T O P

Does anyone ever feel like nobody really cares that you’re there?

Does anyone ever feel like nobody really cares that you’re there?

Mobile-Dish-1120

Thats me. Especially when I realised I wasnt my bestfriends bestfriend and that family only talks to me when I reach out. I try escape from my mind so i dont get depressed


backofmymind

I feel you so much on best friend’s best friend thing. I just want a true best friend, it feels like the boat has sailed at this point in adulthood.


Disarcade

For what it's worth, I made my best best friend, the first real friendship like that, in my 30s.


mike_gee_23

True, you can have a first great beginning in your thirties.


joyboy221

That stuff had deep impact on me. I am not able to am not friends. Just acquaintance.


MrMangr

This is me. I especially noticed last year when word got out that I had COVID but no one texted me asking how I was. Sometimes I won’t text anyone for a couple weeks to see if anyone reaches out. I only end up depressing myself.


Mobile-Dish-1120

I do the same and wonder whether they are doing it to me as well. Ive been told not to because its unheathy and pushes people away but i figure if im the one who puts in effort 9 times out of 10 then its not worth having them around anyway


asap_master42

Don't worry, it happens to most people. I had a period, when I got absolutely no friends. BUT these times will end one day, you just have to find some new friends.


lifefuedjeopardy

How long did your period of no friends last? Did you get news ones by seeking them out or did it happen by chance?


mattj1234

Friendships mostly happen when seeking them out by working on hobbies, etc.


500Ovechkin

Facts. Escape the blinding mind which says your not enough, worth it, etc. Embrace life and live in the moment. That’ll work wonders.


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Bighsigh

What the fuck


OW2000

Like people think you’re a nice person but at the same time don’t see you as an equal? I’ve been in that situation before


bandsupjay

People feel like they’re bigger than u because u let them run over u so its like why not u know? Just comes down to valuing yourself more and setting proper boundaries


Snoo9063

Can you give an example of setting boundaries. I have my own take based on learning about things from psych and my direct psychologist and my own personal experience. I will say this while boundaries may be necessary many people will find that when you put up a boundary they feel antagonized like they are an enemy or aggressor. I don't think that is the case and think they can be very healthy and make both parties more agreeable but by putting a boundary up it is kind of like propping up a shield and thus revealing the other party is coming at you with a sword. People do not like to be seen as the enemy.


Ancient-Ad2302

If you're interested in learning about boundaries, I'd suggest reading "Set Boundaries, Find Peace". I'm still in the process of figuring them out myself so I don't really have a good off the top of my head answer, but that book is a real eye opener that I plan on reading again. Or, if books aren't really your thing, @/millennial.therapist posts bite sized tidbits on boundaries and enforcing them on IG


bandsupjay

Find whatever upsets you. For me it’s being spam called, being called out my name, people taking belongings that are mine and not theres (could be small shit but its the principle), and more. Everyone has different shit that upsets them so you gotta do the groundwork on that. When somebody crosses your boundary and you need to state your rights, u dont need to be all defensive about it. The best thing u can do is let them know politely, because most people dont even know you have boundaries. It’s really about being assertive than being aggressive. Nobody should feel attacked by you stating what’s right to you. And if they do then they aren’t your friends. Move on and find other people. You can’t be responsible about how other people react to you and their emotions. What you can do is be respectful and assertive about what’s yours and your beliefs, which is simply just standing up for yourself. The rest is up to them. A good friend will see your point of view and respect it.


InvictaWing

>The best thing u can do is let them know politely, because most people dont even know you have boundaries. It’s really about being assertive than being aggressive. Can you give a specific example of how to do that though? Like, if one of your friends spam calls you, how would you respond?


youraverageblackvoid

If possible, frame it as a win-win. Explain how it will benefit both of you. Like if they’re constantly making immediate demands on your time, ask them to give you an advanced warning so that you can give them a definite answer or so you can reschedule appropriately.


technojesus5K

Yeah but if your not terribly likeable and you set those hard boundaries, then they just think you’re a dick.


bandsupjay

If you don’t have boundaries then you’ll just fall for anything right. When you set a boundary and enforce it, you can simply just let the other person know that you don’t appreciate ___ whatever the boundary is. If someone calls you a name that upsets u, even though they’re joking, let em know u dont appreciate being name called. The right mindset to get into is that people dont know your boundaries, so you don’t have to get all defensive about it. Just let em know politely and whoever doesnt care to follow them, fuck them, move on and find a different group


QuaryCat87

There’s a quote, “being too nice often loses your respect.” something like that, and I’ll say it’s pretty accurate sometimes


OW2000

I agree


cultureboyo

Story of my life


81GDADDY

Yeah I feel the same way.


Fawlow

i think the only time someone got upset with me for not showing up was my supervisor at work, lol


MyGuyWiFi

At least they care how touching XD


EthiczGradient

to be fair nobody does really. Here is the trick though. Its ok.


Such_Maintenance_577

This is my favourite part about being me. No one seems to care if i show up or not, most of the time i don't, but if i do, people seem to be surprised at least, and i can leave whenever i want without feeling guilty.


stasik5

That's the thing, no one cares about anyone else unless that anyone gives them a damn good reason to. So it's fine. Nobody cares about you, or anyone else. That's normal.


EthiczGradient

Its liberating being an Optimistic Nihilist. just because nothing matters it doesn't mean you should not have a good time


Guavajabajam

Because they dont. I know it sounds cheezy. But you got to care that youre there. Youre doing this living thing for you. And not for anybody else. Getting along with other people is just a plus. People come and go as well. Even if you had a good time with them. Doesnt mean you need to be best friends and spend eternity together.


cupajaffer

I can accept this logically but emotionally absorbing it escapes me. Ideas?


Guavajabajam

I still struggle with this as well. For me personally its mostly negative self talk. Its a constant battle of recognizing when im being negative towards myself and others. My initial reaction towards others and myself is to shit talk. For sure thats going to affect you emotionally. Always being on edge. Practicing a little self love everyday. Goes a long way. Journaling has helped too.


cupajaffer

That makes sense. Thank you


Snoo9063

Based on your comment I don't think people should be upset or bothered if you don't show up but if you do show up they appreciate your company. That seems like a framing thing and the situation is a net positive. Now if you are saying you show up and bring energy and they enjoy after your tried very hard but they don't ever reciprocate even after you communicate that then that kinda blows. You could always try inviting them to your activities and bringing it up politely. People are very focused on themselves not because they are selfish but from what I noticed a lot of it seems almost like ocd. They can only fit so much in their network before other things slip there mind and they forget or are busy or are too absorped in other things. I once had a meditation buddy and one many goals/skills of meditation is oneness. He straight up slipped off the radar after I reached out to him 5-10 times even though he originally talked to me about meditation theory and practice. Perhaps he might meditate or focus on oneness on his own but I'm pretty sure I don't cross his mind while he does it tbh even though it technically makes sense logically. Finally as far as emotional is concerned you could try bringing in a stronger or more charming personality or building deeper connections but that involves more risk on your end. The benefit is you probably will get stronger connections. The negatives are you will probably be more likely to turn people off or some people will not like you because you would have a stronger personality.


CallMeJessIGuess

Good take. We tend to forget that everyone else is just as bombarded with things demanding their attention as we are. I know I’m awful about remembering anything that’s not directly in front of me unless it’s deeply ingrained into routine or long term memory. Fact is if you’re absent. That hole will get filled pretty fast. If you continue to be absent, you become a past tense for people. The question OP posits seems more like one of self worth. Like I can’t understand how someone could view the fact that people seem to like you and enjoy being around you when you decide to show up as a bad thing. Almost like projecting a lack of self worth onto others. “They done actually like me.” “We aren’t actually friends.” Because they aren’t validating that friendship in some specific way. When the reality is the other person is likely thinking “that was a fun night.”


TheyAllDieInTheEnd

I never thought about it like that before. Thank you for reframing things in that way, it helps me think about life a lot differently now


Snoo9063

No problem. Also talk to professionals if you ever need assistance. Reddit is great but we are just plebians.


4thReDDitACcountTTTT

Logically it’s sound so that comforts me in general. But in the moment just ride out the feeling, or think of something else that makes u feel better


b54v55_The_One

There are plenty of life philosophies that incorporate this principle. If you're more on the spiritual side of things, Buddhism has a nice way of putting it by letting go of attachment. If you want a more classical approach, there is also stoicism.


Jugmino

Just stop giving a fuck live in the moment and don’t give no fucks to things or people that don’t deserve it.Everyone is in their own heads prolly wondering the same thing just notice that thought or feeling “that nobody cares” and just let it pass don’t identify with it or try to answer it. It’s sounds easier than it is but once u do it enough times eventually you’ll notice that you control what and or who u give any fucks about


bandsupjay

Facts. People come and go never sacrifice ur self image by letting someone treat u poorly


coffeensnake

Spending time with people who don't care about you is a waste of time, though. There's nothing long-term satisfying about it. Unless you have a common field of interest and are exchanging information on it, there are dozens more interesting things to do. Also, one does not have to plan to be BFF to care about the other person. Some company is just not worth knowing.


Guavajabajam

I kinda agree. If theyre toxic or putting you down then yea, go for it and not surround yourself with those people but for the most part you dont have to try to gain anything from every encounter/social interaction you have. It sucks that we realize after lots of time wasted that some company is just not worth knowing. I like that.


qwertys_bro

This. I’ve come to believe you are your maker. Do what you will in this life. It’s short in the end.


Katofkas

This is a great way of viewing life. I'm going to remind myself more often that I am living for me. Thank you for the advice!


Guavajabajam

No problem!! After the pandemic, it really put into perspective what i want to do. Not what family or society expects you to live. Its a constant struggle but its slowly but surely getting better, more manageable.


StarSmink

I hate that people feel this way (myself included) and I wish I could hug everyone who commented


IreneC29

Sigh...happened to me too in university. The girls I was hanging around with always created chats to discuss birthday presents for everybody else but for me. The worst I've ever felt about myself. Obviously, I don't hang out with them anymore...


TheIrishHawk

Yes, and then also, they wouldn't care if you left.


0-he11no

Me… I work full time, and come home to an empty lonely house, and I want to cry and give up. Daily.


crazdrow

We have similar lives, occasionally my college aged son is home for a moment in between things but otherwise it’s work go home rinse and repeat. I’m sadly pretty ok with it at this point and don’t think it’s likely to change


somekool

It's hard I get it. But if you are going back alone. No kids to take care of. You are free to go anywhere and tried anything. Get unto a sport or hobby. Meet others that likes the same thing. Or come to my home, feed and get my kids to bed. I will go out


aerospace_94

Same.


0-he11no

❤️


aerospace_94

Thanks for the heart, and I love your username!


MyGuyWiFi

that’s so sad to hear Anything is possible though, talk to people at events of interest/hobbies etc or colleagues even? It doesn’t have to be that way


ToxicPilgrim

I've kept roommates around for this reason. If anything I can maintain my relationships based on common necessity.


Di-majnun

I work full time from home..imagine that. Everyday I struggle. The only time I interact with people is at the gym. I have to reach out to my family and friends. No one does…I decided to stop reaching out


TheConqueredKings

I used to be like this, until I started to focus on things bigger then myself. Working towards goals and trying to achieve them helps a ton. Also vitamin D.


NiNj4_C0W5L4Pr

Yep. Ya know what i do in those instances? I.care.about.me. I take myself out on dates. I buy myself nice things. I indulge in my hobbies and i workout to stay healthy. Learn to love yourself or read up on "validation" and where it comes from and why you have the need for it.


gagelange10

That’s the thing. Most people don’t. People are typically concerned with their own well being and generally aren’t too concerned with someone else’s. That’s not being self centered or narcissistic, but human. You have to learn to not value yourself based on what you think others think of you. Instead, learn to love yourself, and everything else will fall into place. Much easier said than done, believe me I know, but it’s possible. You can do it.


disqualifies

I just answered a question in a music program with a loud enough voice but everyone, even the instructor ignored me


poultryeffort

I feel you !


twignleaf

Yup. All the time. But everyone is in their own head also, with overblown egos


kunt_fm

It becomes an endless cycle if you don't *see* people first. I feel the same way *all the time* but if you wanna feel seen, you have to put the light out there first


mcamaro99

Facts. When I was younger I would always look around and see everyone talking to one another but not me. I always wondered what was wrong with me, why aren’t they talking to me like everyone else. But then I realized that I wasn’t putting myself out there. I was waiting for them to come to me. Once I realized that I slowly started putting myself out there and things changed. Still get lonely sometimes but things are lot better for me now than they were in high school.


wade_through_water

Imagine you write a post on reddit and No one views it or comments


duksinarw

Happens a lot to a lot of people


bandsupjay

Thats the problem. You’re nice. Be truly you and set boundaries. Speak your mind, say shit whether it’ll come out nice or bad. Stop people pleasing and put yourself first. That’ll help you develop a better and stronger presence. When you’re just nice all the time or a pushover, or even someone that just constantly seeks validation nobody really cares about you or what you think. You need to value yourself and your opinions more. Nobody will ever give you the fulfillment you need from being nice. All that stuff comes from inside. So theres no need to be nice. And liking someone and respecting someone is two different things. Its easy to be liked, its harder to be respected and thats what really matters.


Any-Complex5111

This is great advice! Thanks


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DarkMistikAngel

I think OP is talking about feeling like this most of the time


tfhaenodreirst

Definitely. Pretty sure that feeling’s popped up multiple times in my life and it’s usually pretty gutting.


Van_Helan

I do feel the same sometimes and yes If you need someone to talk to feel free to DM.


IntroNoob1506

I really sometimes feel that my crush(who has a crush back on me) lies that she likes me and wants to meet me ... Idk why.. 😩


CypherMX

It means that nobody is attached to you, which is not necessarily a bad thing. I mean, if you are popular then that attracts the good but mostly the weird or downright bad pple. In your case, you're free from unwanted attention and can actually decide who would you like to get mutually attached to. Reasons why pple don't attach is hard to say exactly but it should boil down to emotional connection and value of your company. The first is about experiencing or sharing things together that spike emotional response, and the latter is about social charm and what your company gives to pple. Social status also playes a big role.


Fallenfederation

Yes, like having a bunch of "friends" that all go and hang out and say to your face "hey we need to go do something " then when they all go out. But you are never invited. Been going on for 11 years. I have not done anything but 3 times in the last 5. Thanks for the good feels, "friends"...


ultimateblacksheep

All the time


Independent_Dragon77

I’ve had this feeling for most of my life. For me, I don’t necessarily think it’s about social skills. I think it’s about finding the right people, and doing something meaningful within my life. I want to be busy and pursue interests of my own. I’m ambitious and I want to build up myself as much as possible, so I can truly feel valuable within myself, and therefore I’ll automatically be interesting and valuable to other people. For now I try not to care, what people think or feel about me. They’re living in their own world, anyways. The only person I can truly depend on, is myself. I’ll find my people, when the time is right. Until then, I can appreciate people, without being too attached. People need to earn my trust, and I need to earn theirs, before we can truly appreciate each other. I trust and care about myself first. I won’t click with everyone, that’s why I try to make an effort, when I really do like and is interested in someone. If it doesn’t feel reciprocated, I will back off. Maybe they’ll come back around, maybe they won’t. There’s so much going on in other people’s lives, that we don’t see, so I don’t take it personally anymore. It takes time and effort to get close, for people to care about you. My interactions with people need feel equal and not too shallow, so I’m trying not to show up, if I don’t actually feel like I won’t gain anything constructive from it. Those are my thoughts, anyways. I like the saying “don’t chase, attract”. It always feels better, when someone else shows their interest, instead of me feeling like I always have to take the initiative, or else nothing happens. That’s why I constantly strive to better myself in every way possible, to expand as a person, so I don’t have to feel insecure in social settings, which still happens sometimes. I’m still learning.


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Wolfblackravenclaw

I think that any self help is kind of crap if you have litteraly no deap human conection. We have the tendency to forget that humans are social animals. I loved others before learning to love my self and i don’t think I could of done the opposite. I used to be alone a bunch before I realized all that I dis that could drive people away. I was and still sometimes am people pleasing and I lack boundaries even thought I am getting better at that. I also was an asshole but I didn’t realized that before people sat me down and explained this to me cauz I had really good intention and cared a lot. I was just really bad at showing it in the right way. I tough I was being ghosted for no reasons too but turns out there was reasons and I just didn’t spot it. I am not saying this is your case just talking about my experience with this. Sending you hugs if you want them! I know its hard to be alone!


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Wolfblackravenclaw

I think it's ok that you vented lol reaching out to people is important!! I get the feeling. I think that paying attention to your actions and trying to understand people's non verbal (it's soooo hard I know but it's worth all the energy you spend on it in the long run, be patient it takes time)! but we do need people to reflect to us things that we cannot see. maybe if you got some family you could ask them questions? just be careful not to victimize your self (maybe you got no problem with this but ho glob I did!) it would make it hard to have these type of conversation again. You can also look into your childhood and see if there was something that traumatized you or that were harmful to you and pay attention to see if you re-act (not sure if it's a word lol) these behaviors. and be gentle on your self if you do!! beating your self up wont help change to happen!be compassionate and understand that your brain was in development, that you were vulnerable and that it happens really often that people who get harmed harms afterwards.


fatdog1111

How did you figure out the reasons?


Wolfblackravenclaw

Some folks called me out and I payed attention to my actions afterwards and tried to understand where it came from (mostly my shitty childhood and traumas). I lived a lot of abuse that I was reproducing. It was hard to accept, mostly because I know very well the harm I was causing since I experienced the harm I was reproducing. I had to work on my self compassion with [this workbook](https://www.amazon.com/Self-Compassion-Proven-Power-Being-Yourself/dp/0061733520) because glob knows that beating yourself up will not help you to become a better person and will only lead towards victimization which is not good and something I already had a problem with. I got called out 3 years ago and I still find new things to work on but I am way less of an ass lol and I am more able to think about my actions. I was able a few days ago to recognize that I had crossed my partner's boundaries without him telling me and apologize and it's a big step for me. I think what makes and has made a big difference is that people can see me change and see changes in my behaviors. they see me trying and it makes it easier to put up with me. I also spend a lot of time alone to think about my actions. Changing is really hard and it feels like a walk trough a desert but holly hell it's worth it! I get to have actual healthy friends!! People can be really mean if you reach out to stop being an asshole but don't let it stop you and don't let it reach out to people. sometimes one compassionate and kind person will give you killer advice! edits: little details \^\^


fatdog1111

Wow, you are amazing in being open to what people said, and they are amazing for having the courage to tell you! I asked my BFF since childhood many times why she never called or anything, and she denied anything was wrong or that I had offended her in any way. But clearly something had happened. You are lucky to have honest and direct people in your life and they are lucky to have you too! I just took a screenshot of that book to order later. Thank you!


NuclearThane

Damn I'm sorry to hear that you feel this way, but if I can be real with you, you have an incredibly bad attitude towards the situation. How do you expect to life yourself out of the situation when you genuinely believe that some people are "destined to be ghosted for no reason" and say shit like "no attention gang for life"? And while men may have it harder in this department because we're expected not to share our feelings, its a really weak card to play that "nobody cares you're there" is especially true if you're a guy... The whole point of subreddits like this one is the pursuit of self-improvement. Pursue that improvement, mentally and physically. You should'nt pin so much on life being better if "one person would share it with you", because its going to be incredibly high pressure on that person when you do meet them. You have the power to turn this situation around, and it never will if you've already resigned yourself to the idiotic notion that this is your fate. Good luck, man.


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RogueRaven_

All the time I feel like that with everyone. I think to myself does any of this crap even matter anymore. Sometimes it’s like what are you doing it for if no one is gonna be there for you in the end too.


CHD81

Sometimes. But I try to be kind to myself and remember that if they didn't want me there, they wouldn't invite me. I have value and worth, and so do you, and you are allowed to remember that. I should also say that it's okay to have feelings of insecurity because EVERYONE feels that way at one point or another. But if they're stopping you from having a good time then I would encourage you to ask yourself if this is really reflective of what your friends think about you or if it's about what you think of you.


EaqiqYamani

Like for a party? All the time, but as soon as you feel that way stop trying to make them care and be there for you. Itll feel a lot better.


SalaryAndGothHunter

Pretty much how I felt about my co-workers back in my old office. I know they don't care about me, but to be fair I don't care about them either, so no hard feelings there. I think you might need to try and find a new social circle (not too easy admittedly if you are older) or perhaps make more effort in understanding about the peoples you felt "don't care about you".


AnonymousAssociation

The thing is they don't but your the master of your own universe the key holder to your own destiny so don't give a fuck what they think you're the star of this movie stay golden 💛


takesctrl

Yeah, I know I'm not that enjoyable in a social setting so it's fair that they see me that way. I have no qualm about it. I'm fun in my own way, in my own time.


Yoabhinandan

All the time. But I know how to make them care. Just become more valuable. Like that one overpowered football/basketball player for whom you have to divide the teams again cuz whichever team he goes in becomes overpowered so you have to put all the bad players in his team, then he proceeds to carry the team and still crushes the All-stars of your hood. That's how I've always seen it.


rdagz_

All the time. But I never assume they like me, I’ve been proven wrong and hurt by it, too many times to count. As sad as it may sound, never assume someone likes you.


kbdeancrespo88

I do..everyday..all day


Donnareed1999

I have extremely felt this way for most of the 40 years of my life. I strongly think now I had childhood depression from an early age and now take Wellbutrin. Now even though i may be alone, I am enjoying life on my own much more. I try to focus on YOLO, life is short, and make changes to live a more self fulfilling life. Hugs to you OP.


Saiyan_-_Pride

I'm so used to it now that I approach friendship with a lot of cynicism. No expectations, no emotions.


Applemcdapplez

Yes I feel like that 99% of the time. But to be honest, they don’t care that we’re there because everyone honestly only cares about themselves, and because we know that, we feel emotionally affected by it. But we have to make ourselves know that we’re worthy and worth being there regardless of what others may think.


anxiousturtle23

I have before, for sure.


ComedianSquare2839

Nice is basic and bare minimum requirements ... You need to have some personality traits and also some friends/ group of people who share Common interest with you ... For being missed you need to be more then nice... If you see a move there are few characters around which the movie revolves and there are few supporting characters and there are few just to fill in the script... Now after watching a movie who you remember and who you missed out or don't remember ... Think.. And off course not every place is ment for you try to find people how connect with you and value you ..


RubyKarmaScoots

I feel this way. I work full time overnight, so we're all close knit in my department since we spend all night together every night. The thing is, I'm also very introverted but I try to talk and joke with them, and I think that works. Now to put my feelings to the test, I put in for a week vacation and I told them about a month before I did it. They all forgot about it, most likely, and now I'm out on vacation. I doubt they'll even message to see if I'm okay.


UpbeatFaithlessness6

This is how I feel at work. I'm nothing but a work slave. People will miss me doing all the work but not me in particular. There's always someone they will care about more.


Mae__day

I thought this about my friends, then I tried not showing up, felt horrible about it untill they messaged me and told me to come over. I’m lucky to have them.


Representative_Sir99

No one cares about anyone else, unless you are a close friend or family member, that's how it goes unfortunately - People have enough on their plates to be caring about your feelings of loneliness. You probably act the same with others but just don't realize it. ​ At least you now know this and can start giving less fucks about everyone else and have fun, I have learnt that you have to make your own fun instead of waiting for someone to speak or entertain, you. Let's be honest, who wants to speak to someone who stands quietly in the corner anyway? Not me. ​ Try and learn to have fun instead of sulking, it does nothing and is a waste of time...Easier said than done, though! Good luck x


Ok-Stuff7957

Yeah. I’ve come to the understanding they’re just caught up in they’re own life. Learn to care that you’re here for yourself and it gets better.


RebbyRose

It's probably normal but I feel really relaxed and at ease knowing this. It's cool knowing that my presence isn't being so heavily needed. I go and come as I please and I just need to remember to be kind but other than that I don't owe anyone anything


monkeynaive

We care about some people, however they could be unaware of that. Goes both ways.


bettertree8

the problem with adulthood is that you get so busy with jobs, career, kids etc. It isn't that they don't care.... life just gets in the way. Some people just don't reach out but appreciate it when you do. take care.


G2andlooseleaf

People care for themselves only.


meowcaster

I recently noticed that the once I cherish the most don't just pick up the phone and call me unless I call first and its bugging me


1girlonreddit

Flip it and ask yourself if there is anyone you really care about. Good chance they feel the same.


little_turtle420

For all those who agree, Just socialize i.e. put yourself out there a little more, you're almost there. Trust me. Try not to interact with the same set of people all the time, because that'll make you dependent on them for all your social needs. Branch out and let them (your main friend circle) know that you've got options. You won't need to say this outright to them, they'll know when you talk to them about your experiences with other people. Make sure to keep these experiences positive though. Because if you don't, your "friends" will probably not waste a second of their time before ratting you out to the people you're branching out with. I know it makes it difficult to call these people friends, but if the respect is lost, this is the way you gotta earn it back without cutting them off and risk being alone.


BorkLesnard

This kinda happened over the weekend. I (24M) Went to the grad party for my friend’s (21M) little sister (18F). I hadn’t seen him in a while, and he had a bunch of his local buddies over (all early 20’s). It seemed like I hit it off pretty well with them, mostly because UFC was on and I’m pretty knowledgeable, but before the show even ended they all were suddenly like “we’re going to the bar” and took off…without even asking me to come. They literally had to walk around me to go, like I was a tree or something. I had to hang out with the “adults” (40’s up) the rest of the night, which I guess isn’t that bad…but damn, why can’t I make and keep friends my own age that live near me? Granted, my friend knows I don’t drink, but I have another group of friends that live further away who party even harder, and they always include me in stuff, make conversation, let me play drinking games with water, etc.


F3rv3nt

heres a crosspost from r/cptsf that deals directly with this feeling ​ [https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/orzw6n/im\_reading\_complex\_ptsd\_by\_pete\_walker/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/orzw6n/im_reading_complex_ptsd_by_pete_walker/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) ​ I'll leave an excerpt here for the ones that are debating whether to read it or not. In Cptsd-engendering families, the absence of care and concern is extreme. A caretaker is rarely or never available for support, comfort or protection. If this is what you suffered, you then grew up feeling that no one liked you. No one ever listened to you or seemed to want you around. No one had empathy for you, showed you warmth, or invited closeness. No one cared about what you thought, felt, did, wanted or dreamed of. You learned early that, no matter how hurt, alienated, or terrified you were, turning to a parent would do nothing more than exacerbate your experience of rejection.


Lecture-Outrageous

I somewhat have felt like that. Then I had my daughter. She is 9 years old and I am her world. She makes ME feel so special. Anyone having kids, if you are really there for them at the beginning and really do all you can for their development—you will get paid back 10 fold. I will get back to you when she is a teenager. Lol.


fatdog1111

I’m so glad your daughter is like this, but for balance for anyone reading, my experience is that parenthood has been pretty thankless even though I was a devoted sahm for most of it. Now that my kids are nearly adults, I enjoy them more, but I would not advise anyone to have kids to feel loved and valued. A lot of kids are too self-absorbed, at younger ages at least, in my experience. I really am happy for you though!


Lecture-Outrageous

Good point. It really is a gamble. I haven’t been able to have any more children. If I could, maybe they would be different than her. I wish I knew. Thank you.


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[удалено]


bigboiyyupl

bro chill


StereoFood

Hang in there. Better yourself before thinking like that


Shadow__Account

Well why should they? I think if you put in the effort to be there for people and your start creating strong bonds and relationships and invest in the quality, these things will change and people will genuinely care for and about you. But you can’t just be like hey I don’t do shit in terms of investment but I expect others to do it for me, it’s like all those guys not putting in the time and effort of getting better with women yet complaining they can’t get women.


imtoobusy2021

yeah lol me picking my nose no one would notice jk xD


bigboiyyupl

ye


ianmikaelson

I've grown comfortable with it that sometimes I count on it.


Honduriel

Nobody does, in fact, really care that im there. Still didn't get used to it tho.


vedeus

I don't know man, you are thinking too much. If you are out there having fun with someone, you don't care if they invite you another time or no - because you are so busy with your life and your goals that it doesn't really matter in the end. You know.. to your question now. Maybe they don't know you enough to care? Or maybe they didn't experience with you enough time to care? And if they did but still not care - well fuck them and find new people. It's also about how you see yourself - if you go to the party or some bar with friends and you see yourself as a third wheel from the beginning - you will end up like one. Also with new friends - you gotta make some effort first, but overtime they will start inviting you to hang out. It's easy, you are just overthinking it. So get busy, work on your goals, on yourself and build a new self-image my brother


ken061095

Ive been there until nosey people intervenes your life


namedforahorrorfilm

I feel ya! The older I get, the more I realise that I’m not an important part of anybody’s life, I’m just kind of there


AnonymousAssociation

Yall should go take mma or jiu-jitsu it would help alot!


noobjadu

Life is a single player game :)


Suspicious-Form4444

not now not anymore but i used to once


[deleted]

Same here too


alwayscryingtbh

i get it. and on top of that, for me it feels like i will message everyone asking how they are doing but literally no one does the same to me and so if I don’t take initiative, no one talks to me


Lovekitty66

How can we make you feel like we do care? :)


GoldyDen

I wouldn't say they 'like you'. The people you are talking about have neutral feelings (supposedly) towards you. If they truly liked you, do you think they wouldn't be upset if you didn't show up?


Rotieh2000

I have the constant feeling that nobody would mind if I just disapeared, and that my my brother's friends only talk to me because I'm the little brother and stuff I play RPG with some people from my school but it feels like they just tolerate me and I don't blame them I don't like myself either, when they go out to do something like go bowling nobody tells me nothing, It's almost like they want to make sure I'm not going, maybe it's not on purpose but it sure feels like it is


Luhvely

I feel like this in every social setting, I've never felt like I belonged anywhere. People rarely remember me or even notice that i'm gone. Logically, I can totally understand that it could change if I start showing my personality, but I don't think I have one anymore after hiding it for so long. I'm so scared


wannebe2097

love yourself 1st always and don't care what people think


yulneth

hey thats me. happens all the time despite my efforts. i guess im just unlucky with friends


Amazing-Record1124

Almost all the time sometimes you even feel less worthy like people don't care of you're alive or not


Hidda99

I feel the same. last time at the corporate party every one talks with an other put nobody talks to me I felt like I don't matter


joliebetty

Yeah I’ve been thinking about this lately especially in light of the pandemic. I’m basically the only single, childless friend. Even when I checked in with people to see how they’re doing, no one was checking in with me. I don’t have that person I can call when I am feeling sad or lonely. And I guess I’m not that person for anyone else... but they’ve got partners so maybe they don’t really need me anyway. I didn’t realize how accustomed to being lonely I was until this last year when it became suffocating. For a short time I had a person and we were there for each other, but then other life obligations took over for them - which I totally get - but it gave me a taste of what I was missing


Any-Complex5111

I feel the same way! I also check up on my friends but they always keep ghosting me. I keep making excuses saying their busy, but they have time to be super active/posting on social media everyday yet they can’t seem to send me a quick text back and do hangouts without inviting me. It makes me confused because I’m honestly nothing but kind to them.


YourLittleWeirdo

Literally every day of my life. Some days are worse than others but other then not showing up for shifts I don’t think anyone would really mind if I just left the town I’m in 🤷🏻‍♀️


lgbt_suckyourmom_tt

Always has been


oneboredgamer

All the time, especially at work


IHopeTheyreNot

Of course. Because really, no one does.


TheRajib

Felt 3 year ago and now doesn't matter.


Dae0ne

Make yourself a valued participant. You're always welcomed or missed somewhere just have to find your place


The18thking

Every day and it pisses me off. Don’t nobody care about me


spongearmor

Countless times. Specially when I'm actually trying to express my ideas. Once I stop talking, everyone suddenly notices I'm there and asks me to continue (from the beginning if course they weren't listening in the first place)


Freeman-On-The-Land

Ya fuck that shit bro. I’m schizzy and ain’t need no frocks frendz.


svartorbitus

i only met people who get along with others so someone who rarely talks like me, i was easily forgotten. its like i don't exist for some people.


uglyugly1

As others have said, the most important thing is that you live for yourself and your loved ones. Experience the things that you want to experience, show up because you want to be there. Leave the rest. If it weren't for my wife and kids, I could vanish off the face of the earth, and no one would even notice (outside of filling my position at work). I've made my peace with it.


damnedharlot

Every day recently. I have no friends. I know my kids love me. I'm in a bad marriage that I can't leave yet (long story) it just sucks


Anthaenopraxia

Yes but so do I about everyone else.


FallGremlin

This is me. In times like this, you've got to learn to enjoy your own company, love yourself, and take care of yourself. In the end, we really only have ourselves.


Timejinx

Constantly. I don't even spark up conversations anymore because I just feel as though no one is listening to anything I say. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm just a tool. Only wanted when needed


CentralPogma

I’ve felt that way all my life


Bd7

The love you give is equal to the love you receive. Have you made a couple phone calls and tried to build any relationships today? Yesterday? Ultimately there are billions of people. Just move on to another if you don't feel like you are getting a reciprocating feeling. It's neither good or bad that someone isn't 'giving you enough attention'. It just is. You are the one putting a negative label on it.


jayyout1

I have felt like that, but for me personally I realized I felt that way because I was in the wrong environment.


justmikeplz

What if you looked at it as though it were a test— How ought a person feel upon realizing they are universally insignificant [and so is everyone else]? On the other hand, how ought a person feel if they realized they had significant influence over someone else? We must learn to derive our worth not from how others would make us feel, how they treat us, nor how they view us; our worth is something we conjure from within. You can always know your worth even if nobody else seems to. At the same time, we are likely never to know what we mean to most other people. We might eventually be blessed to learn and appreciate that we mean the world to at least one significant other, and that makes things confusing, doesn’t it? How is it possible that we are both universally insignificant and also the most significant thing in the world… Learn how to accept and embrace each of these extremes and you will be on your way.


salientmind

All the time. But I find that I'm usually projecting on some level.


Ms_Snarki

Ppl often think this about me. That uktimately, I don’t care. I’ve burried a lotta ppl, had a lotta others exit my life for one kinda reason or another, n been burned more than a few times. I care. Probs more than most will ever believe n def more than I’m ever likely to fully express. I’d be upset. Probs for a MIN. There’d be tears, I’d miss you. But push come to shove? Yeah, I’m always prepared for anyone to leave my life at any min for any kind of reason. N while I was sad n grieving, cryin n missin you? What I’d also be doin is gettin up every day n handlin my damn business and eventually yes; I’d find someone else to fill that hole in my life cuz those are what I’d need to do. So I try to give ppl the benefit of the doubt when I don’t feel it see their attachment or care for me as clearly... maybe they’ve just lost a litta ppl n are a lil guarded like I am.


Deadbeatdone

Its great isnt it. Lol


JaikishanB

Why do you care how others would feel if you’re not there?


Due_Bad6182

Feel? I know so.. they remember you when they need something or else you are nobody..


Smercello

Yes. And because of that I end up being annoying, so people start putting some distance between them and me, and because of that I end up being annoying, so people start putting some distance between them and me, and because of that I end up being annoying, so people start putting some distance between them and me, and because of that I end up being annoying, so people start putting some distance between them and me, and because of that I end up being annoying, so people start putting some distance between them and me, and because of that I end up being annoying, so people start putting some distance between them and me, and because of that I end up being annoying. Then I find new friends. Sometimes.


zehydra

I kinda accept that as the default


Slightly_a_Hermit

All the time


godhatesxfigs

yeah this stems from negative self obsession and vapid friendships. value your own presence before you analyze how others value you


t5unami5

Yes!! That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling lately and most of my life socially


fatalStrike97

Same..how do you deal with this? Just wait to find other friends? Or what?


7473357e

I think the same way but i also think that the other person don’t even like me.


Semycharmd

Yes, every day.


Loki112612

That’s life


Zumalover_988

I understand, but I want to believe in the positive and let that negativity go away


conoslayer69

Yeah that’s relatable


ReportEastern

Fucking always


casseroled

sometimes I feel like my only personality trait is “nice”


rayashino

ig my mom does


ahmusrahtava

"People aren't mean they are just busy"


ApatheticHeretic_101

I'm married, so...yeah. LOL


1998-2019

Yes I do, I understand exactly what you mean. That’s why I chose to be with someone who specifically looks for me and wants to be around me, cutting out anyone that doesn’t


NicePerspective9328

All the time.


Live-Option6787

Every. Single. Day.