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Narcissistic Mom visiting town and wants to have lunch. Got the call last night. Had panic attack right after phone call followed by sleepless night.

Narcissistic Mom visiting town and wants to have lunch. Got the call last night. Had panic attack right after phone call followed by sleepless night.

ashlyrind7

No one is making you see the devil. And if the devil gets mad. Go ahead. Let them have their tantrum. They dont own you. YOU HAVE CONTROL Also. i am bipolar too. Now your mental health is involved. Im in my late 20s. Completely cut off from my Ndad. Your mother, is not your problem. She has already done enough. Tell her you wont be seeing her. Block her. Move on. Your still dancing around her. Block her everywhere. If family wonders why, you dont need to give an explanation. You need to bury the devil and let her torment herself. Dont feel bad about blocking her. That her causing yoy to feel bad. Be confident and get the devil out of your life.


dumpling19

Thank you so much for this!


ashlyrind7

Your welcome. You have goood life. You deserve for it to stay that way


stargalaxy6

NOPE! Aw! So sad! I’m away from town that week! Keep being unavailable! If she pushes, tell her that you are very content and busy in your OWN life, and don’t see it necessary to stop your schedule! YOU have the control here! You ABSOLUTELY do not have to spend time with anyone who makes you feel so badly!! Good Luck


dumpling19

Thanks! Really needed to hear these things from folks who know.


OrangeSoda206

Echoing others: "No" is a complete sentence. (Or "no, thank you" if you'd rather try to avoid the fight.) That goes for your mom and any extended family. You don't owe yourself to anyone. If you do decide to meet, I'd highly recommend down grading to a coffee or something quick. Set a (private) time limit and stick to it (make an appointment you need to get to or just say you have one - and one that can't be pushed: haircut, movie with a friend, etc.) I really related to your post and would feel the same way if contacted by my nmom. Hugs.


d0288

Was going to say the same, if you really need to meet then downgrade into a coffee


dumpling19

Yep, it's a good idea, and I am going to implement it!


dumpling19

Wow, thanks so much! I never thought about the time limit but I am definitely going to do that. It's so draining having to go through these mental hoops to keep myself safe just for a lunch. That old crippling feeling of someone having control over me is just awful. I needed this understanding so badly. I have never sent a PM to anyone on reddit but would you mind if I send you a PM on this subject occasionally, maybe just until this lunch has passed? If not, that's okay too ( ;


OrangeSoda206

Time limit = **Boundaries** :) (especially if NC makes life harder) Yes, please! I'd love it if you DM'd me


dumpling19

Thank you, I dont know how to DM, but I will try to figure it out real quick ( ;


cannonymously

My nmother does similar stuff by using family and others to worm her way in there. For me it’s simple; if you let yourself be manipulated and turned into a flying monkey, you can’t be near me, family or no. I understand the closeness with your cousins. I had to cut my whole maternal family off (they cut “us” (my nmom and I) out first so no biggie) but know you can have a relationship with your family without your Nmom. Just don’t tell them details you would not tell your Nmom and see them separate from her. They should understand environmental factors do go into the creation of disorders, and factors must have been hard. Your mom, as a contributing factor to that condition is something your family should understand and respect. If they don’t - we’ll you have options, even if those options aren’t pretty (low contact, etc) but it is your decision, no one else’s. A LOT of narcs are hit with the realization - “hey, I’m old (or going to get old)… crap I treated (insert child or family members name here) like dirt… they won’t wanna take care of me… how can I make them?” That is the price of being a narcissist (in my opinion). Lonesome golden years. People try to push family “rules” and generalizations (that’s your mom, they’re family etc) but those are socially constructed rules… not science! Not fact! A mother does more than give birth. It’s a title earned, not given, and a mother who abused without apologizes AND (notice I said and) changed behaviour is not a mother… so the normal rules and generalization DONT apply. Stay strong if people try to tell you differently, because your experience is not just valid, it deserves protection, truth, and justice. Hope this has helped. And all the best. If your Nmom shows up, is where your family is - walk away, pretend not to hear them, walk through them, and get out. Don’t talk to them for a while… they’ll know why. It’s how you enforce your boundaries, others respect for them, and protect yourself.


dumpling19

Thanks for the well thought out comment! Have a great day ( ;


liliesandpeeperfrogs

I would just "have something come up" and not go. At this point in my life, it would take a lot for me to even entertain getting together with anyone on my Nmoms side. They are all toxic, and it's not worth it, unless they genuinely want to talk about how to make things better. If it's going to just be more of the same then count me out. You don't have to go just because she wants you to OP. Your needs matter. What do YOU want?


dumpling19

Same here, her whole family is just awful and toxic. They implode on each other every few years, so I expect them to again.