My Wife helped me sunscreen my back at beach day today (TWICE)!!
By - Leeroy_D
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Does she have a hook hand, perhaps?
Y'arrrrr you be done me love!
Who's going to swab the poop deck?
*SQUAWK* You missed a spot! *SQUAWK* You missed a spot!
*wife looks at her husband's burned back*
"I'M A MONSTER!"
Holy, that scene where a stranger yells "watch out for loose seal" and Buster screams "I don't care for Lucille" and proceeds to get his hand chewed off by Job's magic gone wrong seal.. I had to pause and laugh hard and I spent some days after that thinking about it randomly and laughing too. I mean there was absolutely no reason to have Buster's hand bitten off, it wasn't important to the plot but they did it anyway. Arrested Development is definitely my top three
And rewatching it, all the subtle foreshadowing leading up to it
"I never thought I'd miss a hand so much."
Holy hell who writes like that. It's a throwaway line you don't think much of. This was the early days of DVR. Even then you would delete to make room for new stuff. I didn't notice this until I bought the DVDs and rewatch the series as a whole years later. So many little things you would find through rewatches. What a wonderfully written show.
I was at the beach, army had a half day mother
The seal is for marksmanship, and the gorilla is for sand racing
She gave him a bit of that stimmy
You know those "trust fall" exercises?
Yeah, maybe skip those.
I have never seen a grown adult apply sunscreen so inadequately before. I’m not sure how that should weigh on OP’s mind….
It just looks like these people don't know how to adequately use spray sunscreen. You've gotta rub it in!
Actually, if you do even layers of misting at about the right distance, and then wait 15 minutes before going near water, you don't even have to rub it in. I've done it this way for years, and I'm pretty talented at sunburning so if it didn't work, I'd be a lobster within 45 minutes.
This pic looks like the way my husband does it. He is an otherwise intelligent and very spatially competent man, good with all kinds of hands-on skills. But for some reason, he tries to hold the spray can really fricking close to the skin, which means he's just drawing a few graffiti lines like the picture posted here. If you hold it back a little, you can evenly coat all the skin. Yes, I've tried explaining to him multiple times. His adjustment then is to do even more swipes with the can still too close to the skin, so now it's somewhat more evenly coated, or at least without huge untreated spots, but with way too much.
Just pointing out, I have lived this picture so I get it.... but I still don't get it. It's remarkably a stupid thing to do.
Invention idea: sunscreen spray that goes on white/blue/pink/green whatever, and dries clear. Like the glue sticks.
Sun bum has mineral spray-on sun screen. Goes on white. You cannot miss a spot, because you will be white. Not as in the peachy caucasian fleshy colored white, but like freshly fallen snow in December white. For days, unless you rub it in for five minutes.
Bonus: impossible to clean off, impossible to burn yourself.
Mineral sunscreen also doesn't harm coral reefs and other ocean life. Always a better choice.
I recall a purple foaming sunscreen from my childhood
I wonder why this was discontinued, it's a great idea.
Probably caused 8 kinds of cancer and herpes simplex 12.
Sun can't give you skin cancer if you already have it. *taps head.*
Oh man that commercial. Totally forgot about that
I had that as a kid! It was blue and we had fun being smurfs until it dried and we could swim.
And make it flavored! It already sounds delic---wait no.
What we need is a sunscreen booth like a spray tan booth. Hair net, goggles, and spin for complete coverage!
I'm puttin' the lotion on the skin.... Im' rubbin' it in....
Its like she's not even trying to do a remotely good job
You do a job bad enough, people dont ask uou to do it again.
It looks like they used those one of those spray on sunscreens. She probably just sprayed it kinda half assed (in a zigzag motion). A lot of people don't know how to apply the spray one.
New skin unlocked, red tiger
Cool, upgrades!! It's not just cosmetic, right?...
Technically it’s a debuff. Stack too many and you get inflicted with melanoma.
That's just the visible damage.
Oh sweet invisible damage perks, I might run a stealth build.
It's a soft enrage timer. After too many stacks, you won't be able to heal through, leading to a wipe.
Thank god we aren’t playing on hardcore and can respawn.
Wait you can choose server?
Yeah I'm on Oceania server, it's like the easier version of hardcore.
It also comes with a buff
*+500% skin cell reproduction*
Of course not! But you gotta pay for premium first
*not enough hoops jumped through. Collect 300 more*
Can't complete action, insufficient experience
##YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS!
Decreases resistance to fire.
Ointment reduces effect duration by 50%.
it's not a bug. it's a feature
She definitely doesn't have your back
Oh sure just rub it in..
Don’t be so sore about it.
There's no need to burn him like that.
these comments are cancer.
Yeah they’re ultra violent.
Might need to screen these away
Something might a-rays
It’s just a fuckin flame war at this point.
Hot topics tend to result in that...
This thread is sure getting under his skin.
I'm itching to see more puns
Can someone explain these puns? I'm too fried to understand.
Well clearly she didn't
Tell her if she wants to kill you, there are better options than skin cancer in 30 years.
Edit: gracias for the awards!
But this way, he's still around to help pay off the house
Reminds me of a joke I heard years ago:
A TV reporter became lost on the back roads and stopped at a farm to get directions. As he was talking to the farmer he noticed a pig with a wooden leg.
“This could be a great story for the Six O’Clock News. How did that pig lose his leg?” he asked the farmer. “Well”, said the farmer, “that’s a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn, and that pig squealed so loud and long that he woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn. Saved them all.
”“And that was when he hurt his leg?” asked the journalist anxious for a story. “Nope, he pulled through that just fine.” said the farmer. “Though a while later, I was back in the woods when a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was nearby and he came running and rammed that bear from behind and then chased him off. He saved me for sure.
”“Wow! So the bear injured his leg then?” questioned the reporter. “No. He came away without a scratch. Though a few days later, my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I got cut up in the machinery.”
“Ahh! So his leg got caught under the tactor?” asked the journalist. “Noooo. We both walked away from that one.” says the farmer.
“So how did he get the wooden leg?” asked the journalist. “Well”, the farmer replied, “A pig that special shouldn’t be eaten all at once”!
There's a German satire article on amputo-carnivores.
(use deepL.com for translation)
I'll probably pass on that.
Eh, it's just about eating only meat removed when diseased/medically necessary. Rich humanitarian dumbass food with an edgy name. Like eating foie gras but only if it was a partial hepatectomy so the duck "survives".
This is how we end up with Elon Musk paying six year-old car-crash victims, so he can eat their amputated feet.
For context: "Der Postillion" is like the German Onion
I've read this short story (can't recall the writer, might have been Frederick Brown, might have been Roald Dahl) about a man and wife in a hateful marriage. The man was super pale but obsessed with getting tanned. The wife killed him by slowly replacing all his sun lotion with vegetable oil.
The guy got burned more and more and used more and more lotion. At some point he thought he was finally getting tanned, but actually his skin was burned to such degree it started to discolour. Yes it was quite the morbid story
She is clearly only interested in minimal effort methods.
Proof that sunscreen works
You have to apply it fairly liberally every two hours normally, probably every hour if you're sweating a lot, and immediately after you swim. I spent 4 10 hour days in Disney World 2 years ago during the summer and didn't burn at all because I put on sunscreen every hour. And I'm an insanely pasty-white shut-in that normally breaks out in a sun rash if I'm outside for more than 45mins.
Edit: For everyone who disagrees with this, read the directions on the bottle or read this: https://www.aad.org/public/everyday-care/sun-protection/sunscreen-patients/sunscreen-faqs
It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets sunburned again.
I appreciate you keeping the cadence of the original quote. A lot of people would have said "the sunburn," and it would have thrown it off. Thank you for your service
And if you're using the aerosol kind, you still need to rub it in
Do you? I have never been burned using the liquid spray (not the lotion spritzer kind) and I’ve never rubbed it in after spraying. I kayak at least three times a week, often without sleeves or a shirt. And I am for sure the type who burns.
Well you don’t if you’re very methodical and liberal with your spray to make sure everything is covered, but it does work much better if you just rub it in
I spray myself with spf 15 right before I get in the pool for the day. I am in the pool every week in the summer. I haven't burned in years.
My wife wears spf 50 and stays under an umbrella and somehow can get pink.
Think it's different for everyone
Why is there sunscreen that's not waterproof? There are 2 conditions I use sunscreen, when around water, and when outside in the sun sweating.
My girlfriend and many SEA/East Asian girls just wear it every time they go out and the sun is also out, as well as covering up. They also only go to the beach at night, sun is a deadly laser. Swimming is uncommon and they don't really sweat nowhere near as much.
Actually fun fact: a lot of waterproof sunscreens can damage coral reefs. People are encouraged to use a special coral reef- safe sunscreen if they are going to be swimming near one.
Edit: didn’t know it was a misconception bc most of the coral reefs I have visited lately have required reef-safe sunscreen. I’ll have to do more research of my own since (no offense) I would like to verify beyond just a Reddit comment but I suppose it still doesn’t change that reef-safe sunscreen ***is*** often required when swimming near a coral reef so this might still be a useful heads-up for some folks.
If you use it right lol
Was the second time with a bar of soap?
Tell her to read the instructions again. Last step is crucial. RUB IT IN.
It’s obvious she used her elbows to rub it in.
Looks more like the trail of aerosol spray sunscreen that wasn't rubbed in at all.
Or a stick. That’s what always happens to me when I use those sticks
Sticks are not as good as hands for rubbing in sunscreen
Nor are twigs, small branches, or pine needles
Some leaves may work decently
Resist the nice large leaves of the poison ivy though.
Yes, that is a common mistake. When folks use the expression “oil up” to describe applying sunscreen, urushiol is not suggested, despite being oily in composition
They are called fingers
You are supposed to make sunburn pictures with those. Other than your face, they serve limited purpose.
im going to guess you're wife tans pretty well and doesnt worry about sunscreen much? because this is amateur work
Knew it, i grew up with ginger skin and a brother who tanned moderately well. So whenever we had to go to the beach and sunscreen each other he would be fully covered and fine because i understand what needs to be done and my back would...well look like yours or worse sometimes.
My whole life my skin just Burns at the sight of a sun.
That once I got a slight tan after three days of bad burns that my family was blown away
I mowed the lawn today for maybe an hour and I got a sunburn…… I wanna die, I thought I would be safe but nooe
I don't even risk it anymore. Outside for more than 10 minutes? spf 70 goes on. I don't like the pain and I don't want skin cancer. Keeps my tattoos from fading as well which is nice.
Edit: I'm fully aware of the diminishing returns of sunscreen past 30. Everything I've read about it basically came down to "it doesn't hurt to use it"
Tattoos are a great reminder to put sunscreen on. They get uncomfortably hot real fast in direct sun
Not only that but we pay thousands of dollars to get inked. Why would I purposely damage the art on my body just to get tanned? Doesn't make sense to me when fellow tattoo enthusiasts don't give a shit about protecting their ink.
As a black guy, I'm not familiar with these problems, but one time, I found a quarter on the road, but it was too hot to pick up so i had to grab it quickly and put it in my pocket. but for a few seconds my fingers hurt a little.
So I've pretty experienced the same thing.
Still, if somone needs Sunscreen, espetially a loved one
How little of a fuck can you give to do SUCH a halfassed job
I thought the same thing, but my family is white white. I was raised in a pool of sunscreen. Some people don’t have the same importance drilled into them and don’t think it’ll get bad because it just never has for them.
How can they know what they don’t know, you know?
I don't think you even need to know much about the dangers of sun burns. If someone asks you to spread something over your back (no matter how important) why would you cover it so partially?
If someone asked you to till a garden or mow a lawn would you do it with zigzags and miss a bunch of spots? When you shower do you just soap yourself haphazardly? No, it's really not that hard to be thorough at everything you do even if you don't know every exact circumstance surrounding it.
My husband is the same and I always, even after 14 years together, have to remind him that I need my entire back covered, not just the main central area. Right to the edges, man!
The first time my tans-never-burns husband put sunscreen on my back, the results looked like a kids painting of white handprints on a very red background.
Me too, me too.
It didn't improve until one day he got sunburned for the first time in his life and finally understood the discomfort.
Oh well, I feel better in thin covering blouses anyway!
I never understood the difference in this until I was quite old actually. I'm 1/4 Inuit and 3/4 Danish and I do get sunburns. But it's like the 2nd day, full sun, midsummer, all day in sun slightly scratchy burn kinda thing.
I thought that was what people got when they talked sunburns.
I realised on a vacation in Malta when I was about 18, that I had never had a proper sunburn before and couldn't get it in Denmark. Fuck that shit sucked major balls!
Do some people just tan better by genetics or is it like they worked up to it by getting increasingly burnt slowly? I have always burned, never really tanned, and I use a ton of sunscreen. My family barely worries and barely burns
It is genetics. Depends on your production of melanin (Eumelanin). People with albinism do not produce it at all and therefore can never tan. People with red hair produce mostly Phänomelanin and from there everyone is on a spectrum.
Theoretically, the sun will increase the production of melanin slowly in everyone who does not have albinism. But obviously the price is too high for those who would need a long time of sun exposure.
This is just lazy. I tan and don’t burn but damn I know better than this.
these remind me of the backrubs I get in *return* for the ones I give.
I came looking for a back rub comment and I'm disappointed it was this far down.
I don’t ask for them in return anymore because it just pisses me off.
Almost makes you not wanna keep giving back rubs, doesn't it?
...Nah, I'll still give back rubs. But I'll be salty about it!
She missed a spot
My husband is Filipino so he is not quite acquainted with sunscreen. I, on the other hand, am soooo pale and burn waking in a parking lot. So foolish me trusted him to apply sunscreen to my back. Got the same result.
Shouldn't be sleeping in a parking lot regardless.
You dont tell her how to live her life.
My (brown) husband learned this early on in our marriage (honeymoon) when my (pale) ass carried a bottle of sunblock everywhere we went in Maui and religiously applied it every two hours. I asked for help with my back once and despite my coaching, he missed about a 2x2 square that later turned lobster red. That was a very small price for an important lesson. Now he even reminds me if I go too long without.
Waking in a parking lot? I hope you meant walking
Better than wanking in a parking lot.
Or, is it?
It definitely depends on the parking lot.
There's some classy wank-worthy lots out there.
next time, tell him the more skin he covers, the more shows he gets to pick for you to watch together or whatever the hell couples do.
I mean what do they think is gonna happen?Its just gonna magically spread itself out?
Either she hates you or she’s mad at you.
Nah she’s a storm trooper, just missed a little bit
Is it worse is the answer is still somehow she loves me?
Well by the quality of her work, she at least doesn’t completely care.
She genuinely thought the spray was covering enough ground
Read the instructions on spray sunscreen, it says spray and then rub, if you don’t rub… you miss spots.
Even then spray lotion sucks ass. Source: Ginger, and burn to a crisp if not coated in a layer of spf 50 oil every few hours . Just go with a proper lotion and avoid burns/cancer.
Ah the drawbacks of being an undead vampire without any of the benefits.
Lmao ok makes more sense. If she did that with her hands even you would have to know she was thinking “go burn MF’er”
Can see the zig-zag now
Ah - maybe next time don't use spray!
Many lessons learned
Honestly, this photo is more of a testament to how well the sunscreen is working.
Plus people as white as you burn easy it probably was sprayed everywhere just thicker in obvious areas after the fact. My whole family burns like this lol.
Is she, like, new to beaches?
Third option: spray sunscreen is fucking stupid
Offer to help her wax...
SPF shirt, broham.
Wow, I had no idea they made these. Instant buy. Found one for $25 on amazon. I'm too white to be out in the sun longer than like half an hour, it's a problem. This might be a gamechanger!
I wear these year round because I'm allergic to the sun (itchy hives start after about 20 min exposure and get worse the longer I'm in it regardless of sunscreen.) UPF shirts are a game changer. I wear them under my t-shirts a lot and they're perfect. Allergy or no I would never spend long periods in the sun without them now.
For the foreseeable future
Wait... are regular shirts not SPF? I've never been sunburned through a shirt and I'm pasty af.
I also only now learned that SPF shirts exist and decided to look it up:
> An average cotton t-shirt may not safeguard you at the beach, let alone on the street. When dry, a white cotton t-shirt only provides an ultraviolet protection factor (UPF) of 5-7*. Even worse, when wet from the pool, the protection level drops to about UPF 3, exposing us to UV radiation we may be unaware of.
UPF is much different than SPF though. A UPF factor of 5-7 is actually pretty decent for general use, as it's only allowing between 1/5 and 1/7th of the sun's radiation through.
Edited to fix mistake pointed out below
Shirts use UPF instead of SPF. And yeah, a cotton shirt blocks between 4/5th and 6/7th of the sun, which is quite adequate for most uses.
While they claim normal fabric, e.g. from a t-shirt only has a very low (SPF 6-10?), I never in my life got or seen someone else get sunburned through fabric.
Not just not sunburned, but seen tons of people with burned as shit arms and necks with completely pale pasty t-shirt lines. It is clearly blocking quite a lot of sun.
You are right, this is a common sight and good evidence that shirts protect substantially enough.
I've been burned through a normal shirt before, it can happen
You’re telling me you didn’t realize your wife was using a can of spray sunscreen like a graffiti artist?
Spray sunscreen still needs to be rubbed in. I guess you both learned that the hard way today... And tomorrow!
Maybe switch to lotion sunscreen. Better for the lungs, too.
On the flip side, an attempt was made.
Okay wiseguy, how exactly am I expected to get the lotion into my lungs?
I can't believe I almost gave a legit response to that xD I had to read it twice xD
I'm kinda curious what your initial response was :D lol
water down the lotion until it can be sprayed through a standard spray bottle, set it to mist and breathe deep
Thank god I was worried I would leave this thread without knowing how to get lotion in to my lungs
I'm glad you got your happy end
You gotta inhale it, doofus!
Just have to inhale harder!
Better to learn the hard way on the ginger husband rather than the ginger children (if they have any).
At the very least, this is great proof that your sunscreen works.... if used properly LOL
Save photo for divorce proceedings.
Should've married a ginger, we basically bathe in sunscreen from birth
.... I'm not sure she likes rubbing you much
Might want to take over the vacuuming at home
Okay, not to victim blame or anything, but how did you not realise she was doing a terrible job as she was putting it on you!
I swear this is like 45 seconds
thats what she said
So that's how they make frosted pop-tarts. Seems like a lot of work.
….you sure she cares about you?
That’s like …a visual IDGAF burned into your back there.
like legit zero effort shit, ive done better jobs on my male friends backs.
Keep an eye on that larger raised mole in the lower left. It already looks like it has some pigment difference towards the top, but it may have always been that way and only you would know that. Take a better photo and compare back frequently. If it changes shape, colour, or bleeds spontaneously you should see a professional ASAP.
Two melanomas removed. Wear sunscreen.
Oops, I forgot 90% of your back twice. Sorry for the skin cancer honey.
Damn bro, your wife doesn't give a fuck about you
I bet your friends are having fun with this one.
Getting a little fast and loose with the definition of the word *helped* there bud.
Dude, sunburns aren't a joke. I cooked myself in the sun my entire life until I had melanoma. You probably know people that had skin cancer but that's usually the other kinds of skin cancer. Melanoma will act like a mole until it can spread to every organ and murder you.
Well... now they know this brand is effective then applied correctly.
/r/Relationships response: You should leave her. She's no good for you, she's actively trying to hurt you!
/r/SkincareAddiction response: OMG, you need to learn better skin coverage strategies, and here are my favorite recommendations for ocean-safe sunscreen...
/r/Politics response: Your back looks just as bad as how Trump left America! Trump is the devil! Let's discuss more about Trump!
/r/Gaming response: You could totally turn that into a Mario Kart track.
/r/TodayILearned response: TIL [you can use an UV Camera to see where you missed!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9tEEDpeJoo)
/r/RelationshipAdvice response: You must have deserved it, somehow. She should dump you immediately, and block you across every form of contact. A good husband wouldn't complain so much about little mistakes, and certainly wouldn't shame her on social media!
/r/AmITheAsshole response: Overwhelmingly, OP's wife is a horrible awful irredeemable person
/r/SpaceX response: Politely removed for not being relevant to SpaceX