7 ish years ago I posted here about my rape.
By - tiffanydisasterxoxo
I'm glad that you're doing well!
Glad you are ok!
Went through your posts to find the one you are talking about. Found lots of adorable rats and cats and dogs and a lizard instead, it made my day.
Makes me happy that you’re OK now. Take comfort in your four legged friends.
Thanks for letting me know there were cute animals!
OP, you have so many cute animals!
I was just thinking the other day, after hearing Sublime come on the radio, that we don’t really hear the term “*date rape*” anymore. It’s just “*rape*.”
And well I think that’s kind of awesome.
Date rape sucks.
Sublime is awesome though.
Dumb guy ideas... Firstly, it's great that date rape is less of an issue. But shouldn't the term be seeing decreased use due to decreased occurrences? I'm not up to date on statistics, but when I think of rape, I don't think of date rape. Folding date rape into rape purely because it is as severe seems like a bad call.
Edit: it's not only dumb, but bad ideas
Firstly, rape numbers are not going down, sorry for that implication. (Why do some idiots think rape doesn't exist?) I was trying to talk about the change in terminology.
Secondly, most rape is date rape. That's why you can say rape and mean date rape. There might need to be more education about this, or perhaps it's because I grew up with both terms in use. Let's just call it rape.
Thirdly, I forgot that the term date rape reinforces the idea that sex on a date can't be rape. This is wrong and problematic. I should've picked up on that faster.
Why? Why does knowing a person, dating a person, having previously slept with a person, or even *being married* to a person lessen the severity of the offense? Consent is consent. Rape is rape. Words are powerful, and this seems like a pretty black and white issue to me.
Maybe look for OP’s original post to get a better idea of why this is a win at large for both women and society.
ETA: was gonna edit that last line — its a win for everyone, bc anyone can become a victim to rape. But am gonna leave it as is, seeing as I seem to be channeling Spice Girl level of XX-power today. ✌🏻
Is it less of an issue or are people just not making the distinction anymore? Why do you think it's important or helpful to put date rape in its own category separate from other rapes?
I'm trying to ask why it is helpful to not distinguish and talk about date rape. It should be included as a type of rape, but also talked about separately too, no?
We can still talk about the rapes that are committed on dates. Why don't we also have a word for every situation rape can happen in? Colleague-rape? Vacation-rape? School-rape? These could all describe different real situations but categorizing them this way doesn't really add anything.
I think the reason this term used to be much more common was the implication that having agreed to a date makes it somehow less severe and that just calling it rape without qualifying it made it sound too harsh. Moving past that mentality is definitely a good thing.
And here I am ignoring that adding date to rape makes it sound cute. I thought that everyone knew that rape was bad. I can be quite stupid🤦.
Also, I thought the term was designed to remove the implication that it being a date prevented rape.
Excellent summation! Thank you for putting that so concisely.
Statistically most rape is of the subcategory date rape anyway. So if most rape is date rape, calling it something different makes it seem like it is something rare or different than rape when it in fact encompasses most rapes.
Where do you see anything about decreased occurrences? And most people who are raped are raped by people they know, including those they are dating, so maybe you *should* think about that when you think of people being raped. Stranger rape is very rare.
It is happening less according to the NCVS, which measures yearly incidence of crime. However it is still too high because no amount of women being raped is acceptable.
I don't actually think there are decreased occurrences, sorry about the misunderstanding. I was trying to talk about why the terminology is changing.
What I'm trying to say is that I *should* think about rape from romantic partners in addition to rape from friends or rape from strangers. Does the term date rape help me do that? I'm not sure, but I'm naively say probably?
I feel I can best explain with some personal anecdotes. For context, I’m 35F.
- In high school, I was familiar with “date rape” from popular culture, and honestly, understood it as “not as bad” as “actually getting raped.” It could happen to you if you drank too much, went out with the wrong types of guys, sent mixed signals, etc. It was wrong, but, not like *criminally* wrong
- the very first time I questioned this was after a sex-ed discussion with a younger female teacher, who shared with us very matter-of-factly that you could be pressured into having sex, and then still decide after that you didn’t consent, and it would be considered rape. My first thought was... *well, that’s not fair. The woman already gave in, I guess...* I ended up spending a lot of time thinking about this. What the teacher said seemed radical, but she was right. Everything I had gathered on my own (from movies, tv, news, etc) up to that point had led me to assume otherwise, and that was dangerous.
- that thinking is dangerous because it makes women (everyone) feel like it’s “normal” to be less entitled to consent every. single. time.
- that thinking is dangerous because while many young men (and everyone else) would never “rape” someone, many have and will readily take advantage in a situation and see it as something else, harkening back to my first point.
There’s more to this sensitive and complex issue, and obviously this is just my personal experience, but overall it feels like a big win to label “date rape” as rape.
Yes. I didn't fully think my idea through. I'm midway through an edit to my post. I've done courses on the importance of phrasing arguments against conspiracy theories and I should've used that thinking here too.
No, people cannot give consent and then change their mind retroactively...
It’s not giving consent if the other option is to say no and then be physically harmed. Including cases where the person has a history of violence or any other reason to believe that saying no is unsafe, even if they didn’t actively say “if you don’t I will beat you up.”
> Folding date rape into rape purely because it is as severe seems like a bad call.
My initial idea was that we need a term to talk about rape after dinner because it is so common, and there are narratives that excuse this behaviour. Labelling things *usually* enables discussion and analysis. It doesn't *usually* cause harm.
*Usually* being a key word. Have a look at my edit and the comments and you'll see that this label is fairly unnecessary, and promotes problematic behaviour.
Perhaps in the future we'll have a useful term to use to discuss this practice. But until then, let's just call rape rape.
How old are you? Because I think you are missing the historical context here that many of us have seen change over time. The value of labeling rape as rape is in cultural beliefs changing. In the 50s the belief was husbands could not rape their wives because being a wife automatically meant consent to sex. Later the belief was dates could not rape their victims because being on a date automatically meant some amount of consent to sex from the woman. As we better protect the concept of consent in all situations, labeling all types of rape as rape becomes more important. Using terms when talking about rape, qualifiers like “spousal rape” and “date rape,” still reinforce stigmas & ideas that consent is considered automatic in certain situations. Consent is not automatic. Whether or not statistics need to track how often rape happens in certain situations is completely different than the labels we use to denote what is rape. The “date” part should be metadata, not a label.
Edited for clarity & grammar
> when I think of rape, I don't think of date rape
So happy to hear that you're doing well now. Take care, [email protected]
I wasn't in this sub seven years ago but appreciate knowing that you're OK now. Take care of yourself. You matter!
<3 Happy to hear, you are OK.
Yes a boyfriend can rape you. I found out, I always just thought, he "just" was a jerk (he was)
Even though it is 35 years ago, I always just thought he was an a hole until I found out, what he did to me, was rape. Im ok, back then I was in a very bad place, I was 15 or 16 then and went through some other shit back then.
So everybody can rape you, no matter how you are related to them :(
Lots of love to you <3
I also thought a partner couldn’t technically rape me since I had consented to the relationship. It took me five years and a therapist to straight up tell me I was raped for it to actually sink in. You would think him being blackout drunk, choking me, and punching me while on top of me would’ve queued young 20-something me into realizing how fucked the situation really was. But he didn’t remember doing it, my friends reassured me he was “a good guy”, and I chalked up my pain to being my mental illness and that I was just overreacting to the situation that according to everyone else, wasn’t really a big deal. It wasn’t a scary stranger raping me in the woods at knifepoint so it couldn’t possibly be rape. It couldn’t possible happen in your own bed or by your own boyfriend. Honestly, I can’t even be mad at my friends. They were taught the same toxic bullshit as me.
And the ex who did this to me even told me about one of his former girlfriends who was raped and how he wanted to kill the people who did that to her. He even had a story of himself being raped by a girl at a party. This man was a feminist and my best friend. We dated for years. He still did that to me. Worst part was, he had alcohol issues and he struggled to cum during sex basically the entire duration of our relationship. He had no problem cumming all over my face that night. Sucks that raping me was the best orgasm that asshole had with me. Really adds salt to the wound. As does my family not believing me nor my friends and eventually losing all of those people in my life too.
Even to this day I still have moments where I feel like I deserved this. Why would I needlessly suffer these consequences if I didn’t deserve it? As much as I know that statement is untrue, it still creeps in from time to time. Rape is so mentally painful and it lasts forever. It’s not just in those minutes in which it happens. It’s a lifetime of pain that you have to learn to deal with and accept. I’m just thankful for therapy, meds, and finally experiencing healthy relationships.
Sorry - just ranting now about my own experiences. It warms my heart to see so much support and solidarity on here. And to everyone sharing their sexual assault experiences, my heart goes out to you. I hope all of you are doing better and are in better places. <3
You definitely didn't deserve it. Hugs you to you, girl.
I dont know what to say. Im sad for you.
I actually do vaguely remember a post like that from around that long ago, I'm so glad to hear you're doing well <3
Crap there’s something in my eye.
Thanks for letting us know. I’m so happy to hear this.
I’m so happy you’re doing okay now ❤️
I'm glad you're doing better now.💛
Glad that you got stronger.
Thank you for the update! So glad you're doing well!
So glad to hear your doing better! Bf or not its not acceptable
I'm glad that you're okay now! I know it takes a lot of work to fix your mental health, so props to you for putting in that work. I hope that you recognize how big of an accomplishment that is and that you're proud of yourself, because you deserve to be.
One of the reactions a victim can have after rape is to become hyper sexual, i.e., to pursue a lot more sexual activity than they did previously. A big part of rape and assault recovery is feeling horrible that your right to control what happens to your body was taken away from you. As a consequence, hypersexuality is seen in some victims presumably because this is a way in which they can "take back" control over sexual activities.
I know that after I was assaulted my logic leaned very heavily into "he does not get to be the last man that touched me". I hadn't had sex since a relationship breakdown about 2 years prior, and I couldn't cope with the idea that he would have a potential 2 year bookmark on my body before I fell into a relationship with someone.
This makes a lot of sense... Trying to "clean" oneself I suppose.
I'm sorry that you experienced that. Truly.
Thank you for the sympathy, thankfully my experience was on the less bad end of what a lot of people I know have experienced. I only really managed to reflect on how I coped with it a few years ago when I read a book where the female protagonist went through her recovery similarly. I only later discovered it was a known phenomenon, when a lot of people tried to rag the author in an AMA for it being unrealistic. He replied detailing all of the research he'd done to handle the scenes with care, and it shed a lot of light for me.
Eddit: rogue apostrophe
What book was it?
The painted man, book one of the demon cycle, by Peter v Brett
Thanks, I had no idea. Never heard that before.
This happened to my mom in college back in the 50's. She was so beautiful, smart and very talented. Men just took advantage of her without ever knowing or caring about her situation.
It's nice (?) to know there's a definition for my post-rape behavior. I actually thought this may be the case, so I guess hooray for introspection.
You're not alone. ♡
Have you ever heard of Rape Trauma Syndrome before? Every survivor is unique in how they respond but this framework can broadly explain some commonly observed behaviours and cycles. I have found it really useful to help me feel secure in my anxieties, behaviours, and thought processes post-rape.
Take care <3
Hey me too! I don't want to say I'm "glad" I'm not alone, since the world would be better if I were the only one who had to experience this... But knowing my response was not unique is comforting in a way, and helps cut down on the shame.
As someone who went through that confusion after my then boyfriend raped me many years ago, I am really glad to see your follow up just because it’s hopeful and that’s always great to see. I feel like I vaguely remember that post because of my similar experience and I’m not sure but there are way too many of us who have been through this and I often think that the only good thing to come out of that is how we can be supportive of others because we can relate.
I’m happy that you’re okay.
I hope you're doing okay, too.
Thank you. what happened stretched out into so many other areas, but I’m doing better than I was and that is something I’m proud to say.
I’ve been there. I’m glad you’re doing better now too! Step 1 is acknowledging the problem!
It's good to hear you're doing okay!
Glad to know you're ok, gorgeous heart. I'm proud of your fight to grow resilience. I'm proud of your power, to take the power back. If you can get up after this, you can take anything on.
I’m sure there are a lot of women out there that can’t quite figure out if they were raped or not. We’ve got this bizarre idea in our head that rape is stranger with a knife at your throat in an alley but there are so many fuzzy lines of consent with people you like that can be crossed too.
Go get em
I'm so happy to hear you are okay now!!
Glad to hear you're in a good spot now :)
Glad to hear you’re doing well!
It is so good to hear that you have recovered ❤️❤️
I am glad that you are doing okay.
I was stealth-raped 22 years ago, and it took me nearly 20 years to realize that it was rape, and to deal with all that it did to me. These things take time.
Hugs to you for being in a good place now!
Yes this is a wonderful community. I knew that I had been sexually abused in some way, but at the time "rape" didnt seem to fit, and honestly other people didn't really understand my experience either. I felt like a fraud for my strong feelings and like I was overreacting. At least a few people in real life told me that I was overreacting.
I learned the term "stealth" from Reddit, and although I never posted for advice myself, seeing people supporting and validating others really helped me by proxy. It's let me reframe the situation and realize that I was raped, that it was wrong, and I wasnt to blame for "making a mistake." I just wish it hadn't taken 8 years for that epiphany.
You're welcome. And we love you. Stay safe out there.
Time helps. I'm so happy you're in a better place now. ♥️❤️❤️
I'm glad Redditors was able to help you heal.
I’m so glad you are doing well. I wasn’t on Reddit back then but have seen similar types of posts in the time I have been on here. I am ALWAYS so happy to see a positive update. Even though I don’t know you personally, I worry about my sisters out there, especially because of the prevalence of rape and sexual violence. To hear you are doing well makes me hopeful for our other sisters.
I’m glad you’ve come along and updated us on you journey. May you have continued success.