After seeing your parent’s marriage what is something you want to avoid doing?
By - maamistiredofbs
I have heard too many people getting married specifically for medical benefits. At that point, I’ll just marry my friend
I’ve been with my boyfriend 10 years. We’re getting married so he can get on my health insurance lol
I’m not sure where you are from but at least from my experience in the US you don’t need to be married to be on health insurance. You get a notarized form basically saying you live together and you can add them. It wasn’t too hard
You have to be legally married in my part of the US. Most states don’t recognize common-law marriages anymore - your state probably does.
I can’t name them since you don’t know them, but I don’t think this is shocking. People marry just to have kids, not because they love the guy. For financial stability / to be able to buy a house.
Why do you need to get married to buy a house?
#1 reason a lot of people can not afford a house is student loan debt. With a combined income buying a home becomes more accessible for some.
Because houses are expensive? Two people contributing is a lot cheaper per person and or if you have 2 incomes, or 1 large income pays less taxes by filing as a couple.
And who else would you buy a house with? Assuming it's not an investment. Since you probably have a 15-30 year mortgage you need to be really committed to each other for it to work out.
Literally have no need to get married to combine incomes and buy a house. The mortgage is commitment enough no? Also since when does marriage ensure commitment? If that was the case divorce wouldn’t be a thing.
Who do this??? I’ve heard of marrying the me for their money, but specifically for their medical benefits?
Health insurance can cost over $1000.00 a month per person
Health insurance plans in the US can vary widely between employers and the quality/cost can also drastically vary. It costs half as much for my wife to be on my health insurance vs what her work offers for similar quality, the difference is like $150 per month.
Ha you must not be from the states
If marrying my partner meant he'd get my awesome healthcare I'd probably do it, he needs it way more than I do. But I have great health insurance because I'm poor, he has a full time job so I'm pretty sure it would just fuck that up lol
Oh I see now. Like if you’re dating, you would marry for the benefits, but not go specifically for someone because of their healthcare package lol like gold diggers are going around looking for the best health care packages.
Right. Who knows tho I bet some people might make it a priority if they're in a bad way and need healthcare. 🤷
My best friend and I have half-jokingly discussed marrying each other should either of us lose health insurance. This way, we can add the other person on as a dependent.
I spent every argument of theirs swearing I’d never put someone through what they put each other through, or let anyone do that to me. Have to say, though, it’s harder now that all my friends are either married or on their way to it. It was easier to be alone when friendships were closer.
A work friend once told me (when I was ~22) not to get married before I was 30. Said almost all her friends who did were now divorced. Ten years later, that’s played out to be true among my peers.
Don’t get yourself down by comparing yourself to your peers. You don’t know what’s in store for them, or for you! :)
Edit: I’m great at posting a reply and then realizing it’s not entirely relevant to the person I replied to. Oops. Leaving it up anyway in case someone else needs to hear it.
My thoughts exactly. Seems like a scam ngl
I’ve heard that’s a leading precursor to divorce.
100%! I've seen so many bitter ended marriages that I don't ever want to go there!
Bahahaha I know right?
This is the best answer here
This is my answer too! The best thing to do is to avoid marriage
Being both the breadwinner and the homemaker. I saw this with a lot of my friends' parents too. Moms taking on all the traditional women's duties - taking care of the house and kids - but also being the career-focused one and doing all the managing of finances. My parents have a pretty good marriage over all but I want a more equitable arrangement when it comes to work and home.
Ugh yeah, this was my family... my mother worked full time, got two master's degrees (while working), and made twice my father's salary... but she still did roughly 80% of the household chores and childcare, managed everyone's schedules, and planned every family activity. Meanwhile my father acted like he deserved a "Best Dad Ever" award because he cut the grass sometimes and ordered pizza for dinner whenever my mother wasn't home. They were both at fault though... he was lazy and self-centered, and she was completely unwilling to relinquish control.
So similar to my case. My dad did pretty much just the household duties he enjoyed (cooking, and helping me with school stuff) and my mom did essentially everything else, even when she was in school while working and he was borderline retired (engineer picking up odd contract work here and there). Everyone is amazed by a husband who does *all* the cooking and is great with kids while ignoring the rest of the picture. My dad has always preferred to work less and just spend less, which is ok for a bachelor but not a married guy with a kid, and my mom is a control freak who still wonders why she's stuck doing everything after 40 years reinforcing that exact dynamic.
There's definitely some of that, but my mom has done the whole "you can't do this correctly so I *have* to do it and now you owe me" thing for most of my life too, so it's assuredly part of a power trip thing as well. Like, refolding my clothes after I would because she didn't like how I folded them, that sort of thing. It also modeled to me that you really can't change your partner and need to pick someone compatible with what you want, or you're just going to be frustrated. Neither of them has any leverage over the other to control the relationship, which is probably for the best, but it means neither has any incentive to change.
Wow, just gotta say that from the outside, this sounds like a very aware, well adjusted perspective and a concise way to break down the dynamic. Good writing.
Yes!!! My mom was the breadwinner and also was expected to make all the food, clean, and do all the emotional labor around childcare. And then my dad would complain about her cleaning.
So I'm very sensitive about this issue, and it's created friction in my current and past relationships. I want an egalitarian household, and I won't settle for anything less. I have not found that. Even with liberal guys.
This was me with my ex husband. I worked 60 hours a week and cooked, cleaned, took care of his 3 kids while he sat around gaming. I was absolutely exhausted. He would never clean or help or anything. He didnt pay any bills. He complained about the house being dirty but he was the one there all day. I love cleanliness so the mess would drive insane so I would angrily clean. He called it "bitch cleaning mode." We never had any food and we were dirt poor because of this. We couldnt pay our bills or put gas in the car. It was a very hard time in my life but I was "in love 🙄) I was young and so freaking dumb to take on all of this. It is the major reason we divorced. I was burnt out by 23. I look back on this time of my life as the biggest learning and growing years. Never again.
Same. At one point my mom was homeschooling us kids and her entire life revolves around us. She started going a bit crazy and got to the point where she hadn’t even driven on a freeway in a year due to not having a reason to. It made her a bit agoraphobic yet also cabin fevery. So while I’m forever grateful for having a stay at home parent I also in no way ever ever want to be one. I always want to have things going for me outside of child rearing and to feel like I’m contributing to the world in a meaningful way. This is not a stab at SAHMs but for me personally the idea of staying home all day with children makes me shudder.
This, precisely this. I'm the breadwinner in my current relationship and a decent part of why I don't want kids is that I could NOT manage domestic responsibilities on top of life now. I barely have my shit together now!
And no matter how much I want to believe my SO is different, I'm also terrified he's not.
It’s been my experience that most of them are not. Like, they say they are, but then you move in together and suddenly there’s this slow decline where they stop doing more and more things until you wake up one day and realize you’re doing everything.
Or they do things so poorly you get frustrated and do it yourself. My bf tried to pull that “but I don’t do it good enough!” A few months ago and after years of that shit I said “well it’s time to grow the fuck up and learn.”
Yeah, I've heard that called "strategic incompetence."
I have this problem where my SO needs me to tell/explain to him what he's supposed to do. He does ask if I need help and he will vacuum if I tell him to do so, but he won't do any cleaning out of his own initiative. I'm trying to teach him to do that - I think we started wrong because I let my control freak get the best of me and I had this mindset "I'd rather do it myself than let him do it wrong".
He does repair things by himself without much nagging, so I think the cleaning issue honestly comes from him not being sure in his abilities and if he's doing the right thing.
But this whole teaching process is a job in itself and it sometimes makes me loose all the hope in men.
You shouldn’t have to. I’ve done the exact same thing so no hate, but we shouldn’t have to finish raising men. I just commented this but I’ll say it again. They’re adults with big boy brains and can use those to learn on their own. I straight up responded to my bf’s last “I don’t do it good enough!” with “time to grow the fuck up and learn.”
This is a good one! I am one of those women and hope to teach my kids to be more equal on the division of household chores.
The best way you can show them is by example. Show them you have boundaries for what you will accept out of a partner.
I agree! I’m currently raising a young man who I’m teaching to cook and clean and be respectful. I strike down any sexist statements the second they come out of his mouth (calling girls in his class females and the boys just boys and stuff like that).
I have this philosophy that we aren’t raising children. We are raising *people* and if you raise them to be a good kid they’re not going to know how to be a good adult. So I always keep in mind what my future son may need to look back on and draw from when I’m having a teaching moment.
I found myself in this role, doing all the home duties and working 60 hours a week while my SO was off work doing absolutely nothing. That was the end of that relationship after 8 years. That shit is not sustainable and only causes resentment. Not something I want our son to think is normal.
This is big for me! If we both work we both need to be taking care of the housework.
>Moms taking on all the traditional women's duties - taking care of the house and kids - but also being the career-focused one
Yeah my dad was unemployed for about 5 years and did nothing during that time for raising me. Mom managed my extra-curriculars, checked my hw, made sure I was fed and clothed etc... Dad sat in his room and "worked"; he did pick me up from school every day though. He got very unhappy when asked to do any of the family chores because he said that was a woman's job, well being the breadwinner is usually a man's :/. He's still the same, though he has a job now. I remember when I got into college, his friends would ask what I did to get into said college and he'd have no idea because he didn't care about my classes or extracurriculars etc... only mom did.
I'd prefer a more equitable relationship with someone equally invested in a kid to be honest. I think if I had turned out to be a problem child when I was a kid, things would have gone downhill quickly because dad was always home but didn't bother watching me and mom was always at work.
That's the worst. I think even if you're a sahm it's not really fair to do 100% of the house-work (It's fair to do more than 50%, hard to say the right balance but def not 100%), but it's disheartening when you basically do both. Just absolutely exhausting.
Even my super-traditional grandmother (who spent her childhood in a very small remote village and would consider 1950s Americans liberal) thinks this is crazy.
I agree. It never worked for parents because my mom tried to do both and it failed miserably. She really started to be careless about the home. Obviously my dad is mostly at fault because he never once picked up after himself
Staying with someone who yells at me, ever, in any context.
THIS. Verbal abuse was so normalized just because it was never physical.
i feel this. my parents were constantly raising voices growing up. my partner and i have been together for 7 years and have never raised voices. we’ve gotten into arguments obviously but have both never yelled at each other.
Same. The truly depressing thing is how few people believe me when I say that. It’s the same when I say we’ve never name called or said mean things to hurt each other when disagreeing. They either flat out tell me I’m lying or keep needling that “surely it’s happened once, no ones perfect”.
This. Grew up with my parents screaming at each other every day and making threats to each other and me. I have ptsd from it and as soon as someone has any semblance of yelling towards me I run away fast
I'm the same. It's the first thing I told my now SO: I don't tolerate a second of yelling. A tad bit of trauma there.
Same here. Had a moment a few years ago where a mom yelled and cursed at her 5 yr old kid at face level for breaking an ornament on accident. I had to leave because I suddenly couldn't breathe and realized at that moment that i am over nothing, no part of my dad's verbal abuse to me growing up has been processed, and I can't handle people yelling at me or at children around me. It is hard because now we have a great relationship, but I still suffer from the anxiety and depression that abuse gave me. Tried seeing a psychiatrist and she immediately dismissed it as some "light normal parental trauma" and i peaced out
100% this. I watched my mother and grandma be verbally abused for their whole marriages. And it was justified because " I just mad your grandpa\dad angry. They have a bad temper. Plenty of men do." Yeah, no.
I grew up thinking it's normal for men to scream, intimidate others, punch holes in walls, etc when angry. It's sadly overwhelmingly common, but I'm so glad I realized that it's not normal or okay.
I did too and it actually lead to an abusive relationship when I was a teenager. Another crappy one after that before I finally realized it's not okay for someone to yell at me all the time or constantly be angry with me. I'd rather be single if men were going to be that way.
I'm so glad I met my husband. I'm not going to lie and say he's never yelled but I can count on one hand the times he has and it's never been directed at me.
Holy crap, same! Took a lot of therapy to realize it is NOT normal.
My family has subtly shamed my grandma for dumping her verbally abusive first husband for decades. Including my side of the family, AKA her kids from her second marriage.
It’s so disturbing how cultural conditioning to accept this behavior overrides any sense of compassion for a beloved family member.
yup it most likely will only get worse..
Yes. Or makes me feel unsafe.
Marrying a lazy man.
My mum worked, cleaned, cooked, etc.
My dad just worked, came home, sat down, demanded food, clean clothing and his shower to be prepared.
She used to do this, with no complain, as she didn't start working until my youngest sibling turned 10. Once my brother reached this age (able to walk home alone, clean after himself, cook simple things, etc.) She was able to start working.
But my lazy a*s father still wanted the same treatment even if my mother made more than him and paid almost all the bills. She still asked him to help pay.
I never ever want that!!! Never. If I work hard so does the man. If I work, fine! He takes care of the house. If I don't work fine I take care of the house. We both work we both help. We both are unemployed we both cry together and find a way.
I want marriage to be like a team.
SO. MUCH. YES. My father is the laziest person I have ever known, ever. I wanted nothing like him in a spouse, and for many of the reasons you listed.
Also, how do you “prepare” someone’s shower? I’ve never heard of this:..
My guess is the dude was too lazy to turn on his own shower and wait for it to heat up. Probably wanted his wife to literally turn the knob and let him know when the water was ready. Like what you would do for a small child.
You are correct. Lol hahaha. That man was lazy. Hahaha he did act like a child that needed help 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Wow that is truly an insane level of laziness! Boggles my mind the lengths some men will go to avoid work and control a woman!
Oh man, same here. My mum isn't the breadwinner, but she still works a full time job and my dad will sometimes be home all day (self employed so work really depends on how the industry is going) and then he'll ask what's for dinner the minute she walks in.
I also have two brothers who at the time lived at home (one older one younger) and I once was visiting home (I live abroad so coming home is a holiday) and the house was just filthy, even though my dad and brothers were home quite a lot. They literally just expected my mum to do it. I ended up cleaning some grime that had accumulated in the corners of the floor, and my brother literally said "why are you cleaning if it will just get dirty again?"
Thankfully they've both moved out now so I hope they learn how to take care of their space properly, but jesus fucking christ you can see where they got that attitude from. I'm just really glad my mum made it clear to me that she didn't deserve to be treated like this (it's sad that she feels stuck in the situation), but it means I will not stand for laziness from my partner. And luckily my husband is super clean and almost never has to be asked.
Becoming roommates rather than lovers and best friends.
You can't stop this from happening if it does. But you can leave and sometimes that's better for the kids anyways.
I’d suggest Emily Nagoski’s work on this. She talks a lot about how to manage sex and sexual attraction in long term relationships in Come As You Are.
Could you summarize what she says works?
She uses a party metaphor where basically you agree to go to a party and you don’t always want to go but you get dressed, show up and try to have a good time and you usually will. This is called “responsive desire”
where basically you don’t expect for desire to just manifest out of the blue, you expect to go in to it a little exhausted and try to have a good time.
Here’s a [link](https://www.ted.com/talks/emily_nagoski_how_couples_can_sustain_a_strong_sexual_connection_for_a_lifetime/transcript?language=en) to her Ted talk with a transcript. Definitely worth a few minutes of time
Every relationship has its quirks, it comes down to communication and seeing both sides. Now I also realize that some relationships are not able or worth saving. Sometimes it is a matter of realizing what the other brings to the marriage. And maybe if you go through some of the low, you can get to the highs/
Well my parents marriage is awesome. They just celebrated their 33rd anniversary. Ild avoid marrying someone who isnt basically my best friend.
That’s fantastic!! Congrats to your parents!!
My parents have been married for 43 years. I’ve never heard them yell fight. Sure there have been frustrations, or feelings hurt, but they always get back to normal pretty quickly. There are things I wish I could change about my parents, but their marriage isn’t one of them.
I could have written almost this exact post. My parents have been married 46 years and whilst I've heard them bicker occasionally, I don't ever recall them having a proper full-on row. They might never have got married if it hadn't been for specific circumstances, but they've made it work and have a happy, loving relationship. If I ever have anything remotely like that I'll consider myself very lucky.
Same! I may be “too picky” to some but I know what a happy, loving, functional relationship looks like and I won’t settle for less.
Getting married + getting children to save the marriage because that won't work..
When I was a teen my mom told me in order for a man to stay is have a child, like baby trap them. That didn't work...for her. Maybe the things my mom said to me all those years has made me doubt about marriage and huge commitment.
Who in the world thinks this actually works??? The likely outcome is the dude peaces out anyway and the woman is now a single mom with a deadbeat ex. Or they stay unhappily married and model toxic behaviors to their child(ren). Bc I’ve noticed people in those situations double down on the cognitive dissonance.
Being my spouse's parent. My parents are great, but they have a dynamic where my mom does nearly everything around the house, makes all their social and medical appointments, tries to get my dad to have more contact with his family, and then feels resentful about all that, even the stuff that doesn't need to be done and no one is asking her to do. My dad seems to have some amount of learned helplessness and also just understandably doesn't care about some things (like having contact with his family, because they aren't close). It seems weird on both ends. If my husband needed help making an appointment for some reason, I'd help him, but I'm not going to fully take that over, buy holiday gifts for his family, set up time to see his family and friends, etc. I see us as equal partners; I don't see myself as the house manager.
Well you don’t see the pressure your mom sees. Mom is buying the gifts because when you get married you represent your partner and family. You’re essentially like an ambassador. So if she doesn’t get the gifts his family will talk. She also wants to show you all care. Dad is lazy and doesn’t see it the same probably. But from her to his family she sees it differently. My son doesn’t know the stress I went through because of my mother in law his grandma.. she would critique everything and it was just easier to get the gifts and shut her up at the time. If you’re representing your family you want to appear thoughtful and considerate. Your mom cares about the people she’s sensing gifts too or at least she wants to appear she does. Men need to step up more
This totally. And as for making appointments for her husband, married men live longer than unmarried men. There is a reason why your mother makes all of his appointments, OP, and probably hounds him into going. Men are more likely to dismiss medical issues, to put off seeing a physician until the issue has progressed, etc.
I used to do that for my partner. His wisdom teeth were literally rotting out of his head and I had to make the appointment, then remind him a thousand times to ask off work. I stopped doing that stuff about two years ago and he got real resentful until I told him to grow up and stop making me his mother. He skipped about three dentist appointments and just had to get two fillings. I didn’t remind him and what do you know he’s perfectly capable of remembering and doing it on his own.
They are capable, but they don’t, which is the point I was making. When left to their own devices regarding health care, men are more likely to underutilise health care and do not seek preventative medical care, which plays a role in men’s life expectancy being lower than women’s.
My point is not that you should do these things for a partner, it was simply to explain that there are other factors at play than just “he is capable so he should do it for himself”.
Ugh I was with this guy for years. So glad I didn't move in with him. Guess what? Mid thirties, still living with his mom!!
Dang my family exactly. “House manager.” I’m worried because I have the tendency to want to organize everything like this.
Don't marry someone/continue to be in a relationship with someone who you don't get along with.
Don't talk to your child about your problems with your spouse (they both did this).
Disagreements are okay, but don't have arguments in front of your child in which you're yelling over each other, screaming insults, throwing things, and pretending to leave. This traumatized me and it made me scared to enter into a relationship for a while.
Talk money issues out. Don't just make big purchases and tell the other person later.
Spend time together. My parents don't hang out with each other, despite living in the same house. It's like they have no common interests. Even if they're watching the same movie, they'll watch it in different rooms.
Apologize when you know you're in the wrong, especially if the argument/disagreement happened in front of your child. (dad)
This!! I hated it when my divorced parents (usually my
Mom) would talk about my dad or their relationship. Not my business! I wasn’t her friend or a sounding board, I was her AND HIS child.
All of these are great. But the last one about resolving arguments that happen in front of children. This is such great advice because children will often see arguments happen, they get scared, and then parents frequently resolve issues behind closed doors. Meanwhile, the child is still traumatized and never gets to see healthy conflict resolution.
Yes! This is exactly what happened to me. I never saw my dad apologize to my mom, it was always my mom apologizing to him, but it takes 2 people to have that kind of argument. It would have been nice to see them apologize to each other and then explain to me in an age-appropriate way what happened.
My mom now justifies having fought with my dad in front of us as her way of showing us that "people can fight but still love each other"...but yeah, still hasn't realized it would have been super helpful to see the conflict resolution part, too 🙃
Okay, yes to all of this so much, *especially* “don’t talk to your child about your problems with your spouse.” My mom has complained and talked shit about my dad to us kids all our lives, including right in front of him, and STILL TO THIS DAY has an insane ability to redirect even the most unrelated of conversations to something shitty about my dad. I hate it so much, and she’s never going to change because she doesn’t see anything wrong or inappropriate about it. I don’t even think she does it consciously anymore.
Oh, and they’re still together for some godforsaken reason.
All of these… so relatable 😕
Crystal meth. 😂
Always a good idea to avoid!
You'll regret this when you only have 27 hours to clean your house
Nah, their house was always a disaster. It never helped them clean. Just made them super hoarders. 😆
Getting married and having children for the sake of it being the ‘next stage’ in life
My folks got married for those reasons, but mainly because they wanted to have sex but thought they'd go to hell if they weren't married first. Getting married to have sex is an awful reason.
Saying things in the heat of the moment or just to hurt my partner. I also really want to work on my defensive, I see how my parents get each other with that.
Marrying someone with a temper but I’m starting to think all men have that
My last partner (M) did not have a temper at all; if anything I was the angry one. But he was still a poor communicator so instead of telling me what bothered him he'd just let it fester and then blame me for not knowing what was wrong. Maybe you can see why I was the angry one lol?
I hope you don't find tempers to be the default setting with men. Most of the men in my family are pretty cool-headed; I've seen them upset but they've never yelled.
Me and my current bf are like that. Can I ask if that was the reason you both split up? It has been a fierce dynamic being angry and then him bad at communicating and having outbursts or blaming me for not being able to read his mind.
Lol I'll try not to get into a saga here. At the time I did not realize I was getting into a depression/burnout, caused partly from being in a relationship with someone who did not support or accept me, and I was carrying a lot of the emotional labor of the relationship. I was becoming moody and angry and at the time I did not understand why. My ex had very poor emotional intelligence, so I was also becoming exasperated at trying to explain things to him like why his remark was insensitive or ignorant.
When he brought up issues to me, it was like he had set me up to fail and was blaming me even though this would be the first time he brought them up. He acted as if I should've known that XYZ bothered him, like when I would look at my phone when he was driving - this habit actually started because when he was a new driver we agreed we shouldn't chat much in the car so he wouldn't be distracted. So stuff like that, where it's like I would've been happy to work on something if he'd brought it up sooner. If he had just told me that he wanted me to be more engaged on these drives then I would've done that.
I did try to bring up issues to him and he'd act like my requests for basic participation were asking for too much. Looking back, perhaps he was already checking out of the relationship and/or he was also getting burned out from work and not managing himself well either. We had a lot of reasons for not working out. Maybe we should've sought counseling before things got worse, but I think our relationship just also ran its course.
ETA: it's not cool if your partner is communicating poorly and then blaming you for not being a mind reader. If they're not willing to work on it with you then that's a red flag IMO. You shouldn't feel like the relationship is one-sided or that you have to chase after the other person. I went to therapy and figured my shit out and it started to feel like I was putting a lot more work in on myself and the relationship than my partner was.
You are honestly valid and I just ended my own relationship due to it. Sometimes things just don’t work out and relationships fizzle, that’s okay! I’m glad you worked on yourself and got therapy. People don’t usually acknowledge red flags and tbh I just like the way you worded this, you have a good understanding on how people should properly treat each other
I was told my whole life that men with horrible tempers are normal. My father would scream and hit his children over small issues, and my stepfather had outbursts. Now that I'm grown I've realized that it's a cop out for men to not have any emotional maturity or self control, and the women who perpetuate this are just making excuses for them. It's 100% not normal for a parent or a partner to cause you fear or distress. You deserve way better than that.
Literally every single thing they did in their marriage.
Same. My folks then dramatically separated when I was young, talked hurtful mean trash about each other for 20 years. One of them completely ruined the others life. And now there back together ?!??!? And neither of them has changed from when they were young. Ugh
Having a shared bank account.
You can have your individual account and joint accounts. Everyone can spend their own money but pools for larger purchases and holidays. Best of both worlds.
This. My mother was a full time mom and I watched my father hound her for years about spending 'his' money. I trust my partner absolutely, but I'll never give up the freedom that having my own finances gives.
Getting married. Being a stay at home mom with no job or money if I wanted a divorce.
Thats how toxic men trap women. My aunt is from the farm area type, married young to a rando guy, never worked in her life, she would take care of the kids, the house, the animals...but had almost no money to her name. He was just awful and spend most of the time "working" then once home he just wanted to be fed, plus he was just mean and awful, i was always afraid of him. Decades later, my aunt is in her 50s, he went broke, found out he was cheating and had a kid, my aunt tried to save as much as she could but since she was married, everything was taking away from her, she literally had to start from the zero with no skill or anyrhing and get money beneath the table. She was even scrutinized by other women for leaving her husband after that to the point she had to move away.
Dude, what? o.O (this in relation to your last sentence) I really admire that she had the courage to leave, start over and confront so much shit at that age.
Getting married is a choice but you should always have some sense of independence whether financial or otherwise.
Being dependent without knowing how to be independent seems to be a recipie for disaster.
This is what I watched with my mom for sure. My dad left her after 24 years, she had not had a job for over half that time. All her friends were his friends. She had to rebuild her whole life from ground up. I will always have my own financial autonomy, friend group and hobbies. Marriage aside I will never let my identity be defined by someone else's. Even if it's not divorce, people die or can't always be there. That's why we have to make sure the effort we are spending in the relationship is worth it. To quote Bly "ensure the effort of loving them is worth the pain of inevitably losing them". You are already guaranteed that loss. No need to double down and lose yourself as well.
imposing my belief to my children
this is underrated
Were you also *brought up in The Lord?*
Staying just for the kids. Sacrificing my interests for my partner. Drinking too much or relying on alcohol for comfort.
I have never, ever seen a case where staying together for the kids was actually better for the kids. Generally speaking, kids aren’t stupid and they can tell when things aren’t right with their parents. If you’re miserable, there’s no way that doesn’t carry over into your kids’ lives.
Putting up with untreated mental illness. Don’t do it.
If your partner has mental health challenges, but isn’t 100% committed to therapy and making real change to problematic behaviors and owning up to their mental issues… RUN.
My mother dealt/deals with mental illness but never got help throughout my childhood. And my dad often worked up to 90 hours a week. She would often be cooped in her bedroom all day and night and my dad was obviously gone a lot. It sucked. I don't know if ever want kids because I suffer from mental health issue and a chronic disease (I do advocate for myself and seek help). But I'm terrified of turning into that kind of parent.
Not hitting each other. Should be an easy one but not with my parents lol
You should never hit them, just be hitting ON them. One keeps it scary, one keeps it fun
Being married to someone I don't like or respect.
This happens SO often. And while I get how it could develop over time I feel like frequently the signs are there right from the get go and people ignore them because the highs of infatuation and new relationship energy make them easy to ignore.
I was going to say bickering. I think same ball park
Marrying someone who won’t take care of themselves. I don’t want kids and I don’t want to treat my husband like one.
Letting inlaws get too involved. A lot of the reason my parents got divorced was because of my mom's mom getting too involved and causing issues. My mom even admits now that if she could go back, she wouldn't have let her mother have so much control over her life.
Everything they did. That’s my life motto. “Whatever (dad) and (mom) would do, I’ll do the opposite”
100% Agreed. *WWPND - What would my parents not do?* is a good way to look at life.
Having kids. Getting married at 18 (almost 30 really can't do that anyways lol).
Being the home manager. One of the main reasons I’m hesitant on kids is that I can’t guarantee that i won’t end up the working mum who will be organising the kids lives.
Not that I don’t trust my partner to pull his weight at all, but I know how easy it is to fall into habits of who organises what, and how perfectionist I can be to get things right that I’ll want to be in total control.
I’m already in a hole of being the person who lets their partner cook and make the meal decisions all the time, and it’s a conscious effort to make sure I’m balancing that and not only helping but making decisions as well.
It would be just as easy for me to become a manager mum who organises everything, and I am not about that life.
I hate to see my parents in the situation where my mum was the one to organise school/life, and cook for everyone, and clean, and even now that they’re retired my mother is still the one having to be “host” and organise food. I can see she is so tired of it, but it’s also her not allowing my dad a say in things (pretty dismissive when he does get involved), so it’s a never ending circle of stress.
I don’t want to be on either side of that!
Staying with someone that treats me like shit
Relying on a man for everything. My mom hasn’t worked for my parents entire 30+ year marriage. Even though they have always lived paycheck to paycheck. She never learned how to drive and doesn’t even know how to pay a bill. She legit is incapable of taking care of herself. It does nothing but fuel both their views on women being the weaker sex and a lot of the misogynist opinions of my father.
I would want to have less gendered roles in my marriage, though I doubt we'd be able to erase those completely. My mom enables my dad's helplessness sometimes, like thinking we shouldn't stay out too long because my poor dad is alone at home. He's fine! He can heat up leftovers or order food for himself. Or one time the dog had a bad accident so we came home sooner because my mom claimed that my dad wouldn't know how to clean it up properly. Though compared to other couples of their generation, my dad is probably relatively good in the domestic department. He's the neater partner, so he tidies up a lot and he can cook a little, at least.
Smoking and thus dying early of a heart attack for my father and a brain aneurysm for my husband’s mother.
Other than that, my parents were fine and happy. In a couple of weeks I’ll have been married for 19 years, a decade longer than my parents had been when my father died, and we’re very happy.
Getting married to someone I don’t communicate with. The silent treatment is dead, y’all.
Staying silent to avoid conflict.
They quietly divorced after 26 years.
Verbal and emotional abuse. I hope no matter how mad we are we will never spout hurtful words like "this is MY house, it's my money!" namecalling, wish death upon one another, or utter the word divorce so easily.
(To clarify the "this is my house part", my dad says that and "then leave!" a lot to my mother when they fight because he is the breadwinner. but i find it really unfair that he always emphasizes it's his, while technically true, my mom does a lot as a homemaker and actually makes his home life worry free. It may be my dad's money, but she makes the home.)
Mary an older man/someone with much more money than me.
Fighting in front of our children.
Marry a idiot who only cares about his job and car.
Not going to therapy despite the visible mental illness symptoms.
Disclaimer: I not blaming anyone who don't go to therapy. I know it's not available for everybody. In my specific case, my parents had access to it (we live in France), they planned to have kids and didn't reach out for help and working on it, even tho they knew the consequences were damaging their own children.
After seeing my parents marriage I want to avoid… dealing with my mom.
Getting married and having children. They did an awesome job, don't get me wrong, but it's not the life for me.
Having kids before marriage. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having kids without being married but I think my parents felt obligated to stay together forever because I was born.
Being the one in control aka wearing the pants in the relationship. My mom was the one is charge and treated my dad like he couldn't be responsible for anything. She tells me in the nasty tone that she knows I don't wear the pants in my relationship. I respond with no one wears the pants, this is a partnership.
Being with someone that cares more about the fucking tv than me and our kids.
Definitely not marry a man who may or may not be interested in someone else, or who who is the "bad boy"/"rebel" type that wasn't interesting to me in the first place. To this day I still wonder why my parents even started dating in the first place, let alone get married.
Having children. By far.
My dad never wanted kids, and had 8 of them. Never hid the fact either. I never want em and I'm getting fixed as soon as possible.
My parents divorced but my dad married my stepmother when I was young. She's amazing. They showed me what a healthy relationship looks like and I believe that prevented me from marrying the wrong person. People marry people that throw out red flags and then cry that it didn't work out. I didn't want to be one of those girls and i was successful 🥰🥰
Not knowing my partner well enough, getting married, having kids and having affairs.
Fighting in front of your kids and getting them involved. Also the whole getting married as a heterosexual will do the trick also.
Nothing, I think. They have an amazing relationship.
Though now I think if it, they aren't married.
I don't know how to word this but I would say lack of communication. I haven't had much romantic experience but communication is so key in a relationship. Their way of dealing with any issues they had was silent treatment, which was awful to live with as a child. I remember those evenings and it effected the whole household. I remember having to tiptoe around, and the tense atmosphere was horrible to grow up in and probably has an effect on me to this day.
Sweep issues under the rug like they never happened. I’m just not set up that way. I need to get it out in the open.
Not have the tolerance and patience to understand other person's point of view. A big no no for me.
Argue to win instead of talking to understand
\*points to my dad*
Getting drunk and verbally abuse my partner or vice versa
Joining a cult
Holy fuck am I sorry. I hope they didn't drag you in, and if they did, that you're okay.
Screaming. I don't scream and I don't yell. Ever. Also, I avoid insulting my partners, because calling your partner the c word tends not to work out so well.
Keeping financial ups and downs 100% out of family life. There are SO many good lessons we could’ve learned from our parents. I’m sure they thought it was best to NEVER discuss money but it has its benefits
Thinking the children won’t notice the tension and fights between them
I want to avoid putting kids before my partner and marrying 'just for the kids'. I sat with my mom recently and she said 'you'll see, once you're married it's all about the kids, you don't have time to maintain a relationship and then you just drift apart' And my sibling and I could tell. We could feel that our parents had less and less understanding, patience or affection or even interest for each other.
Staying with someone you can't peacefully cohabitate and co-parent with. The fights I witnessed as a child were way more damaging than a divorce could have been.
Staying in a relationship when you're not happy or respected.
Not communicating... My parents were rarely in the same room and never talked about anything, even me
Being a reformer, aka fixing someone and falling in love with their potential
There's nothing about my parents marriage that would make me want to avoid anything in my own. My parents have been happily married for nearly 50 years at this point, and they have a good, healthy dynamic with each other.
My parents divorced when I was 2, but I witnessed my dad's marriage to my stepmom. She was _awful_ and manipulated my dad and terribly mistreated me and my brother. I vowed I'd never be a wife like her, and if I ever had step kids, it would be paramount to understand their parenting and be part of that with them.