AITA for telling my girlfriend she was selfish for being jealous that I was helping my sick roommate?
By - Frosty-Specific-8947
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
I think I may be the asshole due to the fact I was pretty rude to her despite the fact I didnt need to be
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NTA. If she gets jealous of you helping a sick person lying in a pool of her own vomit, then everything's on her. You gotta get rid of her, that's a unnaturally high level of toxicity.
You have to be really insecure to be *jealous* of someone in a vomiting wreck being helped. It’s like she doesn’t even acknowledge the roommate is going through the worst physical pain in a long time for her and only sees the attention she’s getting.
What’s GF gonna do now, stage a Golden Raspberry-award worthy recreation of Roommate’s maladies that’s gonna end up on the front page of r/illnessfakers? Pathetic really. NTA
Honestly I feel really bad for the roommate. Not only because she is really sick but while OP was helping her im sure the GF was probably giving off pissed vibes or glaring daggers at her. Like she can help if she is sick and idk what the acrynym for her illness means but it sounds painful as fuck
**Also Im wondering if OPs gf already had a problem with him having a female roommate and this situarion gave her an 'excuse' to be mad about it.**
Like automatically helping someone else who is sick = possible cheating (which is imo what she was insinuating with hoe she was talking and 'you don't care about this relationship).
**So apperently her version of the relarionship 'trumps' morals or common decency**, good thing to note OP!
If this IS the case then it also could progress to deciding who can and can't be OPs friend because of gender or his GF becoming paranoid and controling. *Also she did a good ol guiltrip on Op about "you dont caew about this relarionship", a common manipulation tactic used to isolate partners from their friends/family*.
Guys can get manipulated or abused in relarionships too and this might be foreshadowing possibly controlling OP later. Although that may seem like a stretch its just something to keep in mind.
Also to her "you donr care about this relarionshop' I would Throw "well you dont care about my sick friend" st her. if she pulls the gender difference card then its a safe bet to assume that this will happen later down the road as well.
OP, her jealousy of someone who got your attention (in general, not a romantic way), who is also super sick/ in pain just shows who insecure your girlfriend is of ANY girl who will grab your attention in the future. Her insecurities have nothing to do with you and are all on her to work on and over come.
You keep being a great friend/roommate and dont be afraid to call out your gf but also be mindful of other possible controlling behaviors that you may have overlooked up until now.
I hope your roommate can get better soon!
I'm guessing UC means ulcerative colitis which is a seriously nasty looking diagnosis. OP is seriously NTA and in fact GF should be happy to have such a caring partner, especially if she should ever need care
UC does mean ulcerative colitis. I have it myself, but it sounds like OPs roommate has it even worse than I do. I hope she’s getting the treatment she needs!
I have UC and I can confirm that it’s...shitty.
It very much is. I have definitely spent nights crying on the floor of the bathroom because of it. Its so, so painful
OP is NTA! What a nice guy! Not everyone would have been so helpful. Good on you OP!
If my partner reacted like this I'd be so proud of him. If he's willing to help someone in a pile of their own vomit, that's a very good sign that he's willing to put others needs in front of his own discomfort. OP sounds like a really kind and caring person.
Also how insecure do you have to be to feel jealous of someone who is clearly going through a very difficult time with symptoms that naturally cause some embarrassment.
Same here! Like that's how you know you have a good partner not something to be jealous about
That was my guess too. A friend of mine has it, and vomits a lot and has painful flare ups frequently. It really is miserable.
Other than that, why didn't she help you out OP? Helping your roommate when sick is one thing but the gf should have helped the girl too IMO. Being insecure of a sick person is messed up.
I thought the same thing. I wouldn't be able to ignore someone who is so obviously sick, even if I didn't know them that well. I've been sick enough that I would lay in a pile of my own puke because I didn't have the energy to get myself up off the floor and it's not fun. I can't imagine not helping them let alone being jealous of any attention they receive.
And even if GF didn't feel like she could directly help the roommate (speaking as someone with an oversensitive gag reflex, you don't want to add to the problem by barfing while trying to help) there were other things she could have done. Maybe get the roommate's bed set up comfortably and make sure there's a trash can with a liner convenient in case roommate needs to vomit again. Or take the liberty of going into roommate's dresser and getting her a clean tshirt to put on instead of the pukey one.
Absolutely! Hell even grabbing a bottle of water for them and just sliding it into the bathroom where they can reach it. Literally doing anything to show some compassion to someone who is sick is better than getting pissed off and jealous someone else helped them. I just can't imagine.
I agree, even as a naturally jealous person myself (I know it’s not great but it’s the reality.) If she was so jealous about him doing that, she should have offered to help him or do it herself. The girl was fucking sick, she needs to get over her insecurities. Also, (again from a jealous person) it’s really not a good sign to be jealous in a relationship. Shows a lot of insecurity within yourself and the relationship itself. With my current bf I’m not jealous bc I have confidence in myself, him, and our relationship.
her being jealous is a big read flag, as it implys, shes insecure over every time that op shares with someone else or cares for someone else. op, ask her if that is the case.
Find you a girl who would rather help you get someone else out of their vomit pool than complain about you helping
Yeah honestly if I was GF I would have helped her wash up and feel clean. One because I'm a decent person and two if I was nervous of their relationship why would I want him to clean her. Potentially seeing her naked, plus I would just feel more comfortable if I was sick if a nice girl helped me shower off then a roommate even if he seems as awesome as OP. Plus as GF you would get so many brownie points from OP and would have roommate in your corner only strengthening your relationship. OP find someone as nice as you to help with you not drag you down for being a stand up gentlemen.
Yeah I’m not sure what the gf is jealous of? Attention? She should be proud that OP is such a stand up guy to look after his roommate! I know a lot of people that wouldn’t help and just sympathise.
I hope that she was somehow unaware of how sick the roommate was, because if otherwise, that's just horrible.
I mean, if the roommate was laying crying in a puddle of her own vomit, that speaks volumes to me at how sick someone is
I was Vomit Girl for a solid year. Every night at 11:30pm my dinner would come right back to haunt me. I also threw up at other random times of the day. It was so bad that I kept gallon size plastic zip bags in my purse along with anti-nausea meds, and a travel toothbrush with toothpaste. I saw doctor after doctor who wouldn’t take my symptoms seriously, the medical consensus was that I either had bulimia, was “crazy” or I was both crazy AND had bulimia. My husband and I had only started dating at the time so we had separate apartments. On nights that he slept over, he would help wash vomit off me, carry me to bed, then put any barf laundry in the washer and wipe down the bathroom. I was physically exhausted from the constant vomiting and stomach pain to the point that I couldn’t meet my own basic needs. On nights that he couldn’t stay over, I’d throw up then pass out on the blessedly cool bathroom tile until morning. I eventually bothered enough doctors to get a specialist referral and found out I had undiagnosed Celiac Disease.
OP is so far from being an AH. He showed compassion, kindness and empathy for a friend who is battling a chronic illness. The fact that gf was jealous speaks volumes about her character or lack thereof. Besides, my husband says that showering vomit off a sobbing exhausted person is possibly the least sexy thing ever.
“You must be lying or you aren’t telling me the truth because things don’t add up to my preconceived notions”.
I fucking hate doctors like that.
I luckily haven’t had to deal with the problem of doctors dismissing female problems as “You either have an eating disorder, you are pregnant or you are just dramatic” because I’m a guy but I’ve had to deal with the not-believing and dismissal myself in healthcare until I managed to figure it out myself after years.
Glad you figured it out and finally got the help you needed.
Ik I meant, the gf may not have seen or known about the pool of vomit. It never explicitly mentions that she does in the post.
>Yeah I’m not sure what the gf is jealous of?
If there was an instance where gf was sick and OP didn't do as much to help her, than I could maybe understand the jealousy. But then gf wouldn't be mad that Op helped his roomate, she would be mad that he didn't help her.
Not to mention that she then tried to put it back on him as it letting his roommate cry in a puddle of her own vomit means that he cares about his relationship with his girlfriend. I probably would’ve went to help too which GF could have done if she wasn’t a fucking psycho and honestly if anyone I was close with let someone else cry in a pool of barf I would be questioning the relationship. I don’t even know OP but almost everyone on this earth can do so much better
I'd be really freaking concerned if my boyfriend *didn't* help a friend who sick and crying in a pool of their own vomit. I dunno about anyone else but I prefer a partner that shows kindness and compassion towards others.
It is well known that women lying in their own vomit is so sexy /s. OP's gf sounds extremely insecure.
NTA- you know a person’s so sick that they can’t take care of themselves, you can’t leave them to sleep in their own vomit. That’s such a low bar for compassion that you might want to talk more about this with your gf to make sure she’s not going to leave you dying in a ditch someday.
You know what a decent person would have done? They would've helped OP take care of his sick friend.
I'd be running a load of laundry and prepping a hot water bottle while he helped her clean up. But I'm just a bit of a mom type.
And I have another take I believe.
If my boyfriend's female roommate was sick and I was there I would get up to help her.
First, because I'd think she'd be more comfortable/not embarrassed with another woman, and a distanced second in my mind, trauma bonding is a thing and it's best if I'm the one who trauma bonds with my boyfriend's cute girl roommate.
Third and most primal, also top in mind. I'm a nurturer, a person in pain is someone I want fundamentally to take care of regardless of those other reasons.
Your girlfriend doesn't seem to have a nurturer nature. Is that something that you are ok with? It's ok that she doesn't, but it is something to think about when choosing a partner.
I also want to add, the fact that you have that nurturer nature says many good things about you and your future.
It's not even a matter of being a nurturer or not. I am in no way, I really hate taking care of people, but his roommate was lying in a pool of vomit, sobbing. At that stage, it's basic human decency.
His girlfriend have a problem.
This. Any decent person would help you look after your roommate.
I agree with some of these points and disagree with others. Personally, as a woman, I wouldn’t necessarily feel more comfortable being helped by someone simply because we share the same sex/gender. In a deeply vulnerable state like the one OP’s roommate found herself in, I’d want to be helped by the person I’m closest to and presumably in this situation, that would be OP. The focus should be on how to help the person suffering feel safest.
Second, as an abuse survivor, I bristled at your use of “trauma bonding” and encourage you to revisit the definition. This is NOT a likely scenario in which trauma bonding would emerge and there is an important distinction between “bonding over a traumatic event” and “trauma bonding,” even if it just seems like semantics. Trauma bonding emerges from a repeating cycle of abuse/terror and kindness that leads to attachment and dependence. It does not stem from someone cleaning up your vomit.
Aaaah. Thank you. I was actually irate at the misuse of trauma bond. I was trauma bonded to my ex husband because he systematically emotionally and financially abused me, impregnated me and made me literally need him to survive.. there is a significant difference between that and 'bonding while assisting someone during a traumatic event"
Right. I thought the same thing… if she didn’t want her boyfriend to help out another woman, then why didn’t she go help her boyfriend’s roommate herself?
I’d be the same! I’d want to help, but I can not handle vomit in the slightest, so I would awkwardly turn to my boyfriend and be like ‘umm... can you help her?’ 😂😂😂
These are all such good points. I really hope the OP sees this and thinks about it.
NTA, no offense, but you are 21 and that's a whole lot of drama. I'm glad you were able to help your roommate, hopefully with time she will find a treatment that gives her some relief. You are kind and empathetic and deserve someone who appreciates those qualities.
ditch the gf
NTA- if one of my boyfriends friends was that sick and he just left them there to hang with me I would be appalled! You did the right thing and your girlfriend is being childish.
NTA. I'm assuming your girlfriend was not also laying in a pool of her own vomit and you neglected to help her in favor of helping yoir roommate. Because that's the only logical reason she would have to be upset that you went to help your roommate.
I’m having a hard time with these judgements here because all she said is that she’s jealous, she didn’t forbade to help her.
“She said that she wasn't jealous and that I'm a jerk who doesn't care about our relationship.”
Is there maybe another reason for her jealousy? Do you put effort into the relationship?
I’m asking because I’ve been in a situation as the girlfriend.
My bf went above and beyond for another girl and her struggles (granted, it was nothing medical so that might be different) and barely acknowledged me and my life for several months to the point where I was wondering why we were even dating.
I kind of felt like “the other girl”.
I didn’t mind the fact he was helping her, I minded that he never put effort into our relationship and felt like he always puts her before me.
Obviously it’s great he’s a good friend and it’s the same for you, but I can kind of understand if she feels like you’re not attentive nor caring towards her at all.
If that’s not the case and she just doesn’t want you to help your roommate because she happens to have boobs, then your GF is the AH.
She was jealous a sick person got helped by her bf so she’s still a terrible person for even getting that type of thought.
__I’m not saying this particular person is in the right, I suspect she was being petty too__, but I feel that blanket statement you made simply isn’t true.
If someone pursued your partner sexually and then got sick __for example__, you wouldn’t be a terrible person for being jealous if your partner helped them, it would be quite a natural response. Just like if someone set fire to your car and then got sick, you wouldn’t be a terrible person if you still disliked them. Someone being sick doesn’t have to change their past behaviour or how you feel towards them. Best to avoid overarching statements that dismiss all nuance __(also not saying the roommate is a cheater or arsonist, just giving examples to show that things aren’t cut and dry)__
> If someone pursued your partner sexually and then got sick for example
Without any evidence presented that the roommate is a cheater or has made a play for the boyfriend, this seems like a serious leap.
To paraphrase the line about Freud and the cigar, sometimes "taking care of a person who's lying in a puddle of vomit while weeping" is just taking care of a person who's lying in a puddle of vomit while weeping.
I literally said twice in that comment that I wasn’t talking about the roommate, and was only giving an example to warn against blanket statements that ignore context.
NTA dude you were helping your sick roommate your girlfriend is extremely insecure if she got jealous about it. Personally if it were me I would break up with her if she continued to see nothing wrong with attempting to make you feel bad for helping a sick women just cause she is insecure.
When you say "get her into the shower", do you mean getting her naked?
If one is lying in a pool of vomit - i\`d say clothed - so clothing get a first rinse too.
ESH. Maybe it’s because I’m taking my couples counselling training right now but to me what your gf said (at first) wasn’t wrong at all! Clearly expressing that she felt jealous the next morning isn’t a problem, and is actually a pretty healthy thing to do. Think about the mindfulness and emotional intelligence it takes to recognize that and communicate it calmly. It’s normal to feel jealous when someone you love is caring for another, especially in such an over and above way. That could’ve been a loving conversation about her feelings, boundaries, and your perspective. The name calling that came after that was totally NOT okay, but frankly, you had started that and people do tend to react negatively when name called.
This exactly. I don't understand how so many people think responding to your SO saying, "I feel x," with any version of, "Well, you're wrong and terrible for feeling that way!" is okay. It takes courage to admit feeling insecure like that, responding by invalidating your SO's feelings and putting them down on top of that is guaranteed to escalate what could have been a calm conversation about how you both feel. OP was in the wrong here and it's sad that he's getting all this validation.
Definitely depends on the tone and context of the conversation, which unfortunately we don't get in this post. If she was saying it in a joking tone, then yeah OP is TA. If she was being distant and actually jealous about the situation, then she's TA.
I was actually thinking about this a lot actually. I came back to see if anyone felt the same, and you did!. I've already contributed my judgement (which was N T A, but I would rather change it to Y T A), but I was thinking... It would actually be a good thing for my partner to express to me their feelings right? I would want that.
Yes, the gf shouldn't be jealous, but emotions aren't always rational. I know my personality, I get jealous quickly. I KNOW if I had a partner who was always helping out some other woman he was living with, basically fulfilling what a friend/family/SO should be doing I'd feel some type of way.
I feel that as long as I don't act on my emotions (like acting rude, possessive, stalker like, passive aggressive),then I should be fine right? I should have the support and room to talk them out with my partner without them blowing up at me, right?
I wonder if OP's reaction came totally out of the blue to the gf which is why she backtracked like she did? If she came to him to have a mature conversation about her feelings, and OP just yelled at her out of the blue because... Idk (stress? Maybe he does have something going on with roommate? Low emotional control?), then yeah YTA. Kudos to gf though for recognizing her feelings, and calling out OP if that is what really happened..
OP and the rest of AITA (including myself) needs to learn that it's okay to FEEL things, it's just not okay to act like an asshole because of them.
It's good that he realized that he could have went easier on her, that's a start. Or not because people are literally telling OP to break up with GF and go out with roommate (which, btb is a terrible fucking idea. Because not only does it lay out this foundation that jealousy is something to be inherently left over, and OP will leave every girl who approaches OP about their insecurities in the relationship. But imagine the "new" hypothetical gf. She'll always have on her mind that OP left his girl when he was helping her out. If OP helps another sick friend out, she's going to feel as equally insecure because that's how OP "got" her.)
NTA given all the info however I don't think your gf is that much an asshole either. I'm not gonna take giant leaps in logic and make assumptions about her empathy or lack of it, nor am I going to make assumptions about your relationship.
All I will say, is that there is a minor possibility that this was a miscommunication. Actually that's a definite : you got angry and defensive, which made her angry and defensive and there was a breakdown in communication.
Just talk to her, have a heart to heart, but calmly, no yelling, no blaming. Like don't say "you bother me" but instead point out to the direct statement that made you feel a certain way, " Like i don't appreciate that comment, I was helping out a sick friend and it bothers me that you chose that moment to bring up your envy" maybe try asking her what specifically made her tell you she's jealous at that exact moment.
If you cannot solve this without fighting and getting defensive and downright mean to each other, then you know where this relationship is headed. But don't end things because of something that honestly has been blown way out of proportion and is probably a miscommunication.
P.s- Bring on the downvotes
This is a good point to consider - true - and actions should be based on how this conversation goes.
NTA. I would be very moved if my boyfriend would be so caring to someone who needed help.
But I am confused.
>**...my gf said that she was jealous of me doing that for her** and **I told her she was sick and in pain and she was selfish for being jealous** about me helping someone who quite obviously needed it. **She said that she wasn't jealous...**
This is probably a reach, but is it possible that your girlfriend's statement wasn't meant in a serious manner and you mistakenly took her literally?
If she did mean it seriously, then I agree that it is selfish and would have me rethinking the relationship.
okay obvious NTA but I would consider not complicating situations like this in the future. You're living with another girl who is the same age as you and needs a lot of attention and care, some of which involves very intimate things like helping her in the shower.
If she was like a family member or had literally nobody else in the entire world to help her maybe then it would be like okay you have less choice but as it stands now how can you expect your girlfriend to not feel weirded out at best and envious at worst?
I'd say probably reevaluate your living situation. Yeah she is sick or whatever but I mean why make things more complicated and difficult for yourself? Yeah your girlfriend is most likely overreacting but being that close and intimate with someone who you could potentially date if you were single is going to raise the eyebrows of anyone you're with. This isn't some haggard old woman or an aunt or something it's a girl your age whom you already spend a lot of time with due to the fact that you already live together.
I'm sure all the people who normally comment will circle jerk about her being sick and excuse every other element to the story, but somebody has to be real with the people who post to this sub.
responding to the question of undressing his roommate OP said “No, I got her into the shower then left the bathroom(and waited outside to see if she accidentally fell or something) and she most likely took her clothes off and put them on the towel rack.”
your comment is predicated several assumptions: that OP’s roommate likes men, that she’s not seeing anyone, that she has a network of support that’s ready to help at a moment’s notice, and that COVID restrictions are such that a support network would be able to come to the apartment to help her out...
we don’t know any of these things whereas OP does. trust his judgement. his girlfriend should be able to appreciate his nurturing qualities, if only because they would extend to her as well.
plus, imagine being diagnosed with a painful condition, and having your roommate, an otherwise caring person, move out because his girlfriend is jealous of the time he helped move you out of your own vomit & take your meds. that would be fucking awful.
see this is the type of circle jerking comment I was talking about.
I realize she is sick and I'm not accusing OP or his roommate of being attracted to one another, I'm just letting OP know that this situation will always complicate his love life. It just will. Guess it's up to OP whether that is worth it.
No assumption changes the fact that it's an intimate relationship with someone that OP could be attracted to if they were single. I just don't think OP needs to subject themselves to a caregiving position like that if they don't want to complicate their romantic relationships.
I find it hard to believe OP's roommate would be hurt by them moving out unless they're already sleeping together lol. A roommate is a roommate is a roommate. As long as they can afford to keep paying the rent who really cares?
NTA. You're a good roommate for doing that, OP. Girlfriend needs to take a step back and realize how unreasonable she was being. Maybe remind her that it's less than romantic to clean puke off another person, you were just trying to help someone obviously in need.
You are totally NTA but just a curious question. Since you helped her into the shower did you undress her? That’s the only little reason your girlfriend should be able to be a little jealous in my mind.
Who cares? What kind of person is so apathetic they’d leave a friend in their own vomit covered clothes, or even worse is jealous of a person lying in their own vomit being afforded basic caregiving because “it’s my boyfriend”. The bar for decency is so low. Who sexualises being ill and vomity
>No, I got her into the shower then left the bathroom(and waited outside to see if she accidentally fell or something) and she most likely took her clothes off and put them on the towel rack.
Obviously you were right to help your sick roommate. But you’re being obtuse. Your girlfriend is obviously uncomfortable with your living arrangement. That isn’t outrageous or unusual. She clearly picked a bad moment to tell you this (unless she *has* told you previously) and you both clearly pushed each other’s buttons. Get over it or break up.
If you want to keep your girlfriend, you’re going to have to ditch the roommate. Make a decision.
NTA. GF is flying more red flags than a May Day parade in Moscow.
NTA. OP you roommate needed help and you were just trying to look out for her. You girlfriend is acting selfish
INFO - when you say you helped your roommate get into the shower, was she dressed? Did you have to undress her or see her undressed?
No, I got her into the shower then left the bathroom(and waited outside to see if she accidentally fell or something) and she most likely took her clothes off and put them on the towel rack.
If she needs help she needs help.
Yay, glad that’s specified. NTA!
Does your girlfriend have **any** reason to assume that you would not done the same for her? I don't see that as realistic, but it would be the only thing I can think of that could explain her reaction somewhat reasonably.
No the only time I haven't helped her when I was sick, we both had food poisoning from eating the same thing but either then that, I have always helped her when she was sick.
Solid NTA then.
Without knowing how the message was conveyed, I'm going to say that YTA. If your gf was just letting you know that she was jealous of you doing something like that for your "female" roommate, she had every right to say how she's feeling. If you immediately went to "you're selfish" without any discussion or understanding on your part, then you're definitely the a**hole. She was trying to let you know how she felt, and you completely invalidated her feelings.
It was selfish. You don’t GUILT someone who is helping another person lying in a pool of their own puke. Even if they are “female”.
So she can't tell him how she's feeling? Sounds like a great relationship there...
She doesn’t get to feel what she likes and be immune from any criticism. If she’s jealous of a sick person getting cared for then she’s a crappy person with a poor moral compass.
Doesn't give him a right to go off on her. He's no better than she is, then.
So why didn't your girlfriend help?
INFO: has your girlfriend ever been sick or in need of help, and you didn't help her? Because that's the only rational reason why she might be jealous of your roommate right now. "You helped *her* but not *me,*" that sort of thing.
Otherwise she is just incredibly mean and definitely an asshole.
The only time she has been sick and I didn't help her we both had severe food poisoning from eating the same thing but either than that, no I have helped her when she was sick.
As the saying goes...."When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time." OP your gf is showing unnecessary jealousy and a lack of basic empathy for another suffering human being. You need to reflect on whether her other qualities outshine these rather concerning ones because trust me, as you continue this relationship this is gonna show up again and again.
I mean as a female..I would have offered to help her first but if she felt more comfortable with him doing that because they know each other better then by all means help the poor girl.
Your gf is the AH
So your gf wanted your roommate to just cry and drown in her own vomit? That’s sick, you’re NTA, but you really need to reconsider this relationship. I don’t even know what to say about your gf, she’s not even showing human decency at this point. Your roommate is really struggling and I’m glad she has you as a PLATONIC FRIEND, that’s all! God, your gf is sick.
I don't understand why the gf is the devil for expressing a valid emotion...if she felt some type of way, the right thing to do was tell him, no? Not to be all passive aggressive and snarky without saying why, that would be the immature thing to do...her feeling jealousy doesn't mean she wants the roommate to drown in her own vomit and die alone, Jesus Christ, talk about blowing things out of proportion. She felt a way. She expressed that. From what the post says, she never tried to forbid him from helping her or anything along those lines. She just said she felt weird about it later. It could've been a great opportunity for them to talk it out and for Op to nip those feelings in the bud but instead he called her names....how is that not immature?
NAH. It’s nice you helped your roommate … but wtf didn’t you go comfort your gf? Why didn’t she merit any care or attention? Her hurt feelings are extremely valid. Everyone’s turning her into a shrew when she very reasonably just wanted THAT SAME care and attention from you. Her boyfriend. Doesn’t make her nasty or jealous. That’s a sexist stereotype people always jump to with women.
>comfort your gf?
Comfort for what?!
>Why didn’t she merit any care or attention?
Because clearly someone else needed it far more.
>Her hurt feelings are extremely valid.
Oh please. She's not the center of attention for a moment and gets pissy because of it. That's all it is.
>Everyone’s turning her into a shrew when she very reasonably just wanted THAT SAME care and attention from you.
She doesn't deserve that same attention when she isn't also puking her guts out at the same time (which she wasn't btw.)
The GF doesn't have to be the center of OPs attention at any given moment. It's absolutely reasonable to have circumstances in which her petty craving for attention is trumped by say the medical emergency of someone else
>Doesn’t make her nasty or jealous. That’s a sexist stereotype people always jump to with women.
Oh please jealousy isn't gendered so don't play that card
Her feelings are in no way valid and warrant chastisement not comfort. Expressing jealousy over your boyfriend aiding an extremely sick roommate is wrong, and should not be given a “Awww baby I love you so much and I don’t love my roommate in a romantic way” it should be handled as it was here.
How do I downvote something more then once? The gf does not need constant validation when someone is sitting there crying and vomiting the gf is a nasty jealous shrew
There is nothing in this post that imply he doesn’t give her the same amount of attention and besides why the hell does she need to be comforted in this situation
eeeeeewwww f that
YTA. Your gf told you how she felt, and instead of even trying to hear her out or reassure her, you immediately insulted her. That really does seem like you don't care about how she feels. People may argue she had no good reason to feel that way, but feelings aren't always logical. If you had listened and told her she had nothing to worry about, it probably would have blown over.
NTA absolutely, but OP is there any chance that your GF's jealousy isn't actually because you helped your roommate but this was just the straw that broke the jealous camel's back?
She could be a self-centered AH and wants your full attention 100% of the time, but what if the reason she's saying anything right now is because either this isn't the first time you've prioritized someone else over her or she's been sick before and you didn't give her this kind of attention?
Nothing wrong with prioritizing your roommate this time. I'd be evaluating my relationship if my SO didn't care one bit if someone they lived with was sick af. I'm asking these mainly because I've been on the receiving end of getting ditched because another person was upset, but when I'm upset, all I get is an "aww, wish I could help" text.
You need to talk to your gf and see where this jealousy is coming from. If it's because you didn't give her all your attention when she was around, then she's a massive AH with a big red flag. If it's because of how she perceives your actions towards her vs other people, then you two need to work on stuff.
Your girlfriend is such an a-hole.
The only acceptable reactions here are as follows
1. "Do you need anything?"
2. "Can I help?"
3. "Should I be doing something, or get out of the way?"
This is break up worthy to me, and I'm all about talking it out and working it out blah blah.
That's a major red flag.
First of all, obligatory y'all need counselling (which most colleges provides to students assuming that you're in the US)
You're right, so NTA. Could you have been a wee bit nicer? Maybe, but in this circumstance you're not obligated too
But maybe her behavior is coming from somewhere? Prior bad experiences with a bf who told her he was "helping out a friend" and he ended up cheating?
Do you possibly not show her the same care when she's sick? Mentally or physically? Even if you think you do, does SHE feel that way?
Do you just happen to give more attention to your roommate than you do to your gf (before she was sick)?
This isn't an advice sub, but insecurities just don't pop up out of no where. Usually.
Or she could be a totally selfish person who allows her jealousy to overwhelm her, in which she still needs therapy, just a more individual kind that addresses her personal toxic behaviors.
You're not her therapist though, so don't put yourself in that position. Ask her if she'd be alright to go to some sessions offered by the school, but if she doesn't want to don't push it too much.
Additionally, lets be real here, maybe your gf is jealous because you live with a woman who CAN be in a relationship you, instead of her. This just amplifies it. Have you talked about moving in with your gf instead when the year ends?
And does your roommate have no one else willing to assist her? A boyfriend? A relative? Friends? Not saying that you should stop helping her, but I can't blame your GF for getting jealous eventually (so as long as she doesn't act like an ass because of it) if you're the only one helping out. Maybe if she saw other people helping out other than you maybe she would calm down.
ESH You were doing a very nice thing for your roommate I'm not arguing that but when your girlfriend tells you that it made her jealous and your response is to tell her that she's selfish and you even admit you were rude to her when you didn't need to be.
Your girlfriend could definitely regulate her emotions better but so could you.
INFO: Had your girlfriend traveled to see you or did she just come over locally?
NTA. If your girlfriend is jealous of your roommate having *ulcerative colitis* badly enough she needs help getting out of a puddle of her own sick, she has serious empathy problems. May she never have to find out what that level of bodily betrayal feels like. It’s the least fucking romantic thing ever.
-someone whose husband is her caregiver
>in the morning my gf said she was jealous of me doing that
*in the morning*
>she said she wasn't jealous and I'm a jerk
Make up your mind love.
~~Did you need to undress her?~~ You know what, forget that because I don’t really care, your girlfriend should’ve offered to help or even insisted if she felt that strongly about it. I would’ve moved you over and said let me handle it because there’s a chance this woman will feel more comfortable having another woman help her. Like I could see getting mad about undressing someone else but let’s look at this logically. She was, quite literally, laying in a pile of her own sick and needs help and that in my mind just **obliterates any argument your girlfriend could possibly think up**
**Not only is your girlfriend TA, she is failing at being a decent human being,** ***is that the qualities you’re looking for in a partner?***
>roommate was crying quite loudly and was laying down in a pool of her own vomit near the toilet
Oh, yes, nothing saids seduction like crying and vomiting... Your "GF" is either incredible selfish to ignore someone in obvious pain or possibly a psychopath.
I'd go looking for someone with compassion.
NTA - people have already covered the main points here.
But I just want to blow out a little on the "I'm jealous" .... "I'm not jealous" part of this.
Not sure if this is bad storytelling (in which case it's just a funny use of language) or a MASSIVE lack of awareness on the part of OP's gf.
I was thinking about this, bc it seems odd for her to backtrack right?
Sorry for replying late, I was just thinking about some things and I revisited this topic. I was reading some other comments, and I was wondering if the gf thought she was having a mature conversation about her jealous feelings (or maybe said it as a joke?) in which OP blew up at her. So feeling bad or seeing OP's probably extreme-ish reaction she backtracked to try to not make the situation worse. That's one of the only ways her backtracking makes sense.
It makes me think that the judgements may have been different if we had the tones of everything that was said. The only thing we got is OP saying that he was a bit harsh, which can be anything. Was he yelling and catching an attitude? Did he shut down her conversation?
If OP blew up at her after her trying to calmly talk out her feelings, then yeah that would make him an asshole. Especially if it was totally left field for the gf.
If she was joking and OP blew up at her then that would also make the situation an ESH *or* a NAH verdict. ESH because it probably was a high stress situation with OP worrying that roommate will asphyxiate on her own puke and it probably wasn't the envirnment for a joke. NAH because maybe gf was trying to lighten the mode, and OP just didn't catch it. Though that wouldn't excuse blowing up at gf.
If we had to talk about self awareness, OP's gf probably has a lot of it if she wanted to just talk about her feelings. Many people can't pinpoint that they have jealous feelings and often act out on them. But again, that depends on how she addressed it.
I have UC. It's a misery that can steal everything you've got during a flare. It's also a really embarrassing disease to have. You're a good person to help your roommate.
If your girlfriend is the kind of person that doesn't appreciate what a good soul you are, you should leave her. If your girlfriend is the kind of person that doesn't recognize another person's suffering, you should leave her.
NTA...but helping roommate get in the shower? Did you help her undress? That would make me a little uncomfortable. However, you seem like a mature and caring person and GF should appreciate that she has a person like that in her life.
Do you have any history with your roommate?
Info. You don’t give much detail about your tone of voice/ what exactly was said so I can’t make a judgment on how you actually handled the conversation. You’re NTA for helping your roommate, and if you’re girlfriend is actually mad because you simply helped someone who was in serious need of it then that shows a distinct lack of empathy. If there was an instance of your gf being sick and you not helping her or some such then her reaction would be understandable. If I were you, the way I would have handled that conversation with your gf would have been to say something along the lines of “just think of how much more TLC I’d give you if you got sick like this,” etc.
NTA and you're right, she does have an issue in herself. She's very insecure to be jealous of you helping an obviously ill friend. And never let anyone guilt you into acting badly to "prove" you care about your relationship.
Best of luck to your roommate. And to you; you seem like a good guy.
NTA. She says she's jealous about you helping your roommate, but then when you call her selfish about it she suddenly claims she never said it? She just didn't want to admit she was being a bad person in the situation. Very sweet that you help your roommate.
With your roommate drowning in her own vomit, I'm surprised your gf didn't have a shred of empathy to even bother checking on the girl
NTA. The fact she sat and stewed instead of helping you to help your roomie, says far more about her than it does you. She lacks compassion and empathy for others.
NTA, UC is absolutely awful , it's pathetic that she is jealous in any way, hate to say it but that's a big huge red flag
NTA. Tell your gf to get a grip.
I have UC, so I can absolutely appreciate how your roommate must have been feeling.
Thank you for helping her get up and into the shower etc.
It’s such a difficult disease to manage and to cope with, so if she doesn’t have Reddit already please convince her to get it and to join the many IBD subreddits.
They’re a great support system, and if she needs any more advice or anything at all, my dm’s are open and I’m happy to help in any way I can so don’t hesitate to either give her my handle or even message me yourself. :)
That goes for anyone reading this btw, please don’t suffer in silence, no matter whether it’s with a physical, emotional or mental condition. Seek help. My dm’s are always open if anyone ever needs a helping hand. :)
OP, why are you with someone so heartless and without empathy, that she'd rather let someone suffer in pain and risk them choking on their own vomit, instead of helping?
NTA. You should probably dump that girl though.
NTA it’s even weirder to me the girlfriend didn’t offer to help as well, poor roommate must have been not only in so much pain but probably embarrassed to have ended up like that in the bathroom. How can anyone see anyone like that and not try to help??
Also, ***run***, because this is a giant, flashing red neon sign.
It's totally reasonable to expect to be your SO's top priority some of the time - maybe even most of the time. But expecting to be your SO's top priority even when someone they love is having a genuine crisis? That's a level of selfishness that's not compatible with being in a relationship.
You are definitely a better roommate then I ever was. But if this becomes a habit with the roommate, maybe the GF was on to something. Was she selfish or concerned for the future of this roommate situation. I would give GF the benefit just because you like her.
Wait why’re you sharing a room or whatever with a girl who’s not your gf? Are you sure about not liking your roommate ?
Info- has your girlfriend ever been sick and if so do you take care of her?
- is this the first time your roommate has needed help showering?
- have you and your roommate ever been more than roommates?
If the answer is y,y,n then n t a but most people with UC don’t end up on the floor in a pool of their own vomit and need someone else to help them shower.
I mean yeah, she watched you take care of another woman of course shes going to feel jealous. Does this happen often, you going above and beyond for other women while being purposefully malicious towards her? If so, her reaction is completely understandable.
NAH for helping your friend in a tough spot, you just seem to have different wants in a relationship. It's just manipulative to call her selfish for feeling things and communicating them to you though, I hope she gets out of it soon.
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My(21m) and my roommate (21f) met each other through mutuals, recently she was diagnosed with UC and has been really sick but because of college finals, I couldn't really do anything. Because finals are over my gf(22f) came to spend some time over, last night roommate was crying quite loudly and was laying down in a pool of her own vomit near the toilet. I went to go help her get up into the shower and helped her with meds and made sure she didn't start vomiting again for a bit until she went to sleep. In the morning my gf said that she was jealous of me doing that for her and I told her she was sick and in pain and she was selfish for being jealous about me helping someone who quite obviously needed it. She said that she wasn't jealous and that I'm a jerk who doesn't care about our relationship. I told her that I do but I wanted to help someone and if she has an issue with that then she has an issue herself. She got very upset and is upset with me and now I feel bad as I was really rude to her when I didn't need to be so AITA?
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NTA, if she's so insecure that she thinks you're going to get with a girl puking and crying, she should have offered to help. Or better yet she should attempt to find a little empathy for the roommate instead of only being worried about herself!
NTA. Your girlfriend is seriously controlling and toxic. What would she want you to do? Let your roommate sleep on her own vomit?
Extremely selfish and toxic.
Are you sure you want to be with a person that considers helping another human being on a difficult situation something to be jealous about?
NTA. Someone you're in a relationship with should never be jealous that you were providing true care and compassion to a really ill human being regardless of gender, they should be proud.
NTA, your girlfriend is a nasty piece of work
NTA. what would she want for you to do then? that you leave your roommate to die? she's heartless and selfish.
NTA. You're a good roommate, the gf should learn from you. What did the gf expect? For the roommate to be quiet even if she's in pain? Not happening. Gf should apologize to you and yall might need to have a discussion about her insecurities
I think GF has some serious self esteem issues if she thinks that helping someone who is obviously sick, and weakened due to that sickness is 'cheating' or an attempt to 'pick up chicks'
That said, roommate would probably be a better match than GF - and roommate would be happy with a caring partner who helps someone even at their worst.
and, seriously, are you sure this woman is a good match for you?
>my girlfriend said she was jealous of me doing that for her
>then she said she wasn’t jealous and that I’m a jerk
So which is it?
NTA your girlfriend acts like a toddler.
So she said she was jealous and when you agreed with her, she said she wasn't jealous? Yeaaaaa, NTA
NTA. Your girlfriend seems really selfish, given that she doesn‘t see a person obviously in need of help as „important“ enough as her relationship in that exact moment. I advise you to break up with her, for your own health.
NTA at all. The fact that she didn’t get up and help you take care of your severely sick roommate speaks volumes of her character.
Issues your gf has:
1. Insecurity. Why would your gf be jealous? It's not like you were cheating on her.
2. Lack of empathy. A basic human instinct is to help those in need, and clearly your gf doesn't have that.
Adding onto what others have pointed out: it might be a good time to re-evaluate your gf's morals...
NTA. Honestly wouldn’t a decent human being have helped you care for this obviously suffering person?
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Nta....you did two great things. Helped someone who needed it, and checked a spoled entitled brats behavior. A good GF would have been in there helping you.......keep that in mind.
Nta nta nta nta
NTA as someone who has uc. It takes you out I couldn't eat at all and was going to the bathroom every hour. If your roommate can eat ramen and pasta were ok foods to eat. And try lemonade mix, for me it helped with pain and made me feel better.
NTA. Your GF is seriously messed up. She sounds like she doesn’t have a shred of empathy. That’d be a dealbreaker for me.
Your girlfriend is insecure and it is showing. You're helping another woman and ignoring her. She feels pushed to the side. Until your gf fixes it herself, she will only get worse. I would expect an ultimatum at some point if she doesn't deal with her insecurities.
If I was your girlfriend, *I’d* be the one jumping into the bathroom to help a sister get into the shower and cleaned up. That she not only didn’t feel any sympathy for a person in pain while was also upset that you did is a giant waving red flag. She is still on her best behavior as your relationship is young. Imagine the jealousy and self-centeredness she will display as she feels more comfortable in the relationship. Her insecurity and need to be a priority *while a person is actively in pain* rightly should push you away from her.
I know this sub is quick to say breakup. I acknowledge it isn’t always so easy, but listen dude, Cut your losses now. Hopefully she’ll be able to reflect and mature past this, but I’m not holding my breath.
And if she tries to throw at you that you’ve got the hots for your roommate, don’t even try to defend yourself. That’s her insecurity which is absolutely a her problem. You can’t and shouldn’t reassure her out of it/
Your roommate was on the floor in a pool of vomit and crying from pain, so you helped her clean up , take her meds and get to bed. Your gf is jealous of you helping this other woman. Your gf is very immature, insecure and jealous. She also shows no empathy for another sick woman. This behavior is major red flag territory.
"If you're the type of person to get jealous because I helped a female friend, you aren't the type of person I thought you were and I am going to need to rethink the future of this relationship."
NTA - you should be rude to people who tell you that you shouldn't help people who are obviously in distress! How else will they ever learn that they need to adjust their attitudes?
Omg, seeing my partner be capable of such nurturing would be a huge positive in my eyes, not a negative! She needs to seriously get some counseling for her insecurity. NTA.
Seriously? She thinks it’s reasonable to be upset because you helped someone who was lying in a pool of vomit? Your gf sounds like the kind of girl who will get jealous if you hug your sister. You’re right, it’s her issue, she needs to deal with it herself. NTA, and good on ya for being a decent human being and not backing down to your gf.
The fact that your gf is complaining about you helping a roommate who is clearly sick and incapable of taking proper care of themselves says a whole hell of a lot about your gf's character. Or should i say lack of character.
NTA at all. You were helping someone in need and experiencing awful medical issues. To me, it's a red flag that your girlfriend responded in that way, honestly.
NTA - a good human being would go and help you with your roommate ( maybe help with the showering bit ) and thought about you as a really caring and nice person.
If I was your gf, I would have been asking if there is anything I can do to help you take care of the roommate. Your gf is very immature and selfish to be thinking about herself in that moment.
NTA when I read the story. I had to Google UC diagnosis after, and I'm like NTA NTA NTA! Your poor roommate, hope she feels better soon!
NTA. If you were my partner then I'd just be proud of you for helping someone vulnerable. I'd probably even offer to help them too. Your girlfriend sounds incredibly toxic and with a level of insecurity I haven't even heard of before.
Thank you for being compassionate and decent in helping your roommate.
NTA if this is her reaction to helpless sick person than you know everything you need to about this person. Don't waste another minute on someone with zero compassion.
And if it was me there, even if it was a Total stranger being sick, i'd be the first jumpingup to ask if I could be of any help. Especially since you're the guy here and your gf in this story could have possibly been the better option to help the room mate into the shower. You know, since nudity. Dang, I'd help her wash her face and Hair if she wanted me to, girls should help each other instead of being all bitchy like "ya taking my Man's attention awaii from meeeeeee"
Your GF could leave someone rot in their own vomit to ensure focus on herself.
1. That's despicable narcissism.
2. Too much drama at your age.
Info: how's the roommate doing now? Feeling any better? My best wishes for her. Hope she gets well soon.
I have a mentally ill roommate that will ONLY talk to my boyfriend (we all live together), because well- everytime she tries to talk to me about stuff I eventually try to get her to reach out to a therapist. I have my own mental health issues that I work through with a counselor and I 1000% believe that I am not well enough trained to deal with her during her mood swings to not cause more damage.
I do set boundaries with my boyfriend and our roommate, and those conversations started by me telling my bf how I felt when he would spend 4 hours of our night talking my roommate down from a ledge while she’s blackout drunk. I know our situation is different, but this is just from a gf perspective. We’re also all over 30, you guys are pretty young.
Your roommate needs a live in aid or someone who is dedicated to her care. She is not necessarily an asshole, but she is leaning on you for support through a rough illness, without even giving you a plan of action, did she ask for your help? If she’s sitting in pools of her vomit- maybe she needs to go back to the hospital or to live with family/friends who can be a full time caretaker. It’s a lot to put on someone to help her through and if you are helping her without boundaries, it could easily become a situation where she is reliant on you.
You need to make clearer boundaries for your roommate, yourself, and your girlfriend. Dismissing your gf when she said she feels jealous is an AH move. She wasn’t asking you to stop caring for your roommate- she was asking for you to focus on some issues she has for a conversation. You met your roommate through mutual friends and you’re caretaking her through UC? That’s a really big undertaking for someone you aren’t really close friends with.
Your gf is slightly an AH. Jealousy is a really common feeling to have and some people deal with it better than others. She very easily could have gone in there an helped, but maybe she’s not comfortable in a position helping someone who she doesn’t know very well in the bathroom (it’s not super uncommon). She also could have waited for a better time to let her feelings out, and probably communicated in a better way.
the roommate does *not* require, qualify for, or probably even want live in care. At all.
I was thinking of a close friend or family member- not a CNA or anything. She obviously needs some help if the roommate is feeling obligated to care for her.
NTA. You need to think carefully whether this is someone who is worth continuing a relationship with - she has shown you who she really is.
If I ignored a friend in pain, I think my GF would leave.
When my daughter had cancer, she had a male apartment mate. She was sick a lot as she continued to work most days during treatment. There were many days her mate took care of her in a similar way. Her boyfriend was not jealous and the mate was a guest at their wedding. If anything my now SIL was grateful that someone could watch over her when he could not be there.
NTA. Seriously, why are you dating a girl that is a borderline sociopath? Your roommate needs assistance, is sick and your gf has no compassion at all for another person. Does she kick dogs when they get in her path?
Also something to consider, for some people every accusation is a confession
Girlfriend "I'm jealous"
OP "Why are you jealous? They are clearly miserable"
Girlfriend "I'm not jealous! You're a meanie!"
Seriously. This is what this sounds like. Why are you dating a child?
NTA my (f) male best friend is going through alot right now. Not only is my husband supportive of me helping him but also goes out of the way to help him too. That is how a mature and compassionate partner behaves. Your gf is crazy jealous and her behaviour says she has hates the fact you live with this girl for ages. I would consider your relationship and perhaps even discuss this calmly (she could have been hurt before and need help with trusting or she could just be a ah).
NTA... you mean ex-gf right?
NTA and this is bad sign. She is not a decent human being
NTA. Your issue is that you need a new girlfriend who isn't so possessive and jealous. That BS needs to go. Don't give in to her on this. First it's a friend she doesn't like you interacting with, then more friends, then your family, and finally you have no one left in your life but the clingy leech.
NTA and throw the gf away.
NTA, this is a huge red flag. Dodge that bullet son like you're Neo in the Matrix!
If she wants you to put the relationship above decency compassion and morality, that in of itself is a problem. I wonder who or what else would she be jealous of?
NTA, you're behaving as a decent human. Your roommate lives there, your GF visits.
If gf is going to be like this now, how would they be if you helped a future child in a similar situation?
NTA, it is an important life rule to know you can upset someone without having done anything wrong. Often the person who is upset is REALLY upset with themselves and projecting that onto you.
NTA - I’m not very impressed with your GF though. A person is sick on the floor, and what is she doing? Watching tv? Laying in bed? She didn’t get her ass up to lend a hand? Or even pass you towels or wet washcloths through the door if there wasn’t room in the bathroom? Maybe offer to fix hot soup, or tea? Get rm’s bed ready for her to be in it and get a wastebasket ready by the bed in case the throwing up isn’t over? You know, do literally ANY tiny damn thing to indicate even a shred of aid or support to someone who needed it?
Wow. So. What happens when OP gets sick? That would be very much on my mind, that’s for sure.
NTA and that is a huge red flag. What an awful person no offense but that is so ugly especially when you were being so kind.
NTA but kind of confused why she said she was jealous and immediately say she wasnt
NTA. You're an awesome friend.
And could you ditch your current GF and take up with your roommate instead? There aren't enough thoughtful, kind, supportive fellas out there, and you're a gem. You're current GF does not deserve you.
woah, SO MANY RED FLAGS.. If helping a friend makes her jealous I can imagine what else will.
INFO: How did she approach her jealousy? Was she rude about it or informing you or?
She should have been helping you help her!
No sympathy or compassion… upset when attention isn’t 100% on her… didn’t bother to offer her help even though she could see someone was pain…. That’s a big red flag. Big. Huge.
Stand your ground. Don’t let her guilt you.
Also thanks for being a stand up guy and a good friend to your roommate! That’s quality boyfriend material and if she can’t see that then that’s on her.
I've got one question. While you were doing all this to help your roommate/friend, what did your girlfriend do? If the answer is anything but help or offer to help then I suggest you take a step back and re-evaluate your relationship.
I'd be proud of my SO for taking initiative to help somebody with UC. I get some people have very sensitive noses, so I don't blame her for not helping, BUT I can guarantee that every time your gf gets jealous she'll turn it into "caring about the relationship" or "respecting the relationship". Until SHE accepts this is pure, irrational jealousy she'll never change. Run.
NTA, I say dump the gf and date your roommate who appreciates your help!
Anyone with any compassion would have helped too instead of watching from afar as if it was some kind of test. If someone can watch someone in that much distress and then guilt trip the person helping it indicates a lot about them. Here you go 🚩
Sorry forgot the point - NTA
I’m sorry what does UC stand for?
Well well well..someones a narcissist. NTA
As someone with UC it’s awful and can be debilitating at times. And stress is the worse thing. It was so sweet you helped your roommate especially when the can be so bad you can’t do anything but curl up and cry.
I can’t believe your girlfriend got jealous you showed some human decency to someone who was in pain and feeling awful.
NTA. But maybe you should evaluate your relationship with someone who gets jealous so easily when you are helping someone who was suffering and in pain.
OP, if I was your girlfriend, I would have been offering my assistance to your roommate as well. How can someone see another person suffer, their boyfriend help them and the first emotions are jealousy and anger? I am not saying to dump her but perhaps you can teach her about empathy.